Because they Believed.
04.15.2012
Most of my "theories" were proven wrong.
During the time of my isolation, I had been made to realize that indeed, I am not alone. When I chose to untangle myself from the crowd, the experience was grueling. But yesterday, the people I associate myself with did point out stuff for me to know and made me feel better than last.
That they allowed me to "breathe" for a while. Gave me space while I reflect on things. That while I was moping around, sulking, thinking some useless stuff over and over, searching for answers to my questions . . . they were worrying about me.
When i believed no one will contact me, they were frantic in keeping in touch with me, desperate for signs of "life", of any activity.
While I simply let myself believe that they have totally forgotten about me, they were there, just waiting for me to come back.
When I chose to vanish all of a sudden, they were alarmed by my absence and that put them on the edge. They had all sorts of ideas running through their heads and it made them uneasy.When I was at the brink of my "soul-searching", I hung onto happy memories, clung on impossible thoughts, vivid imaginations . . . I was at my limit. And then finally, one day, out of sheer boredom perhaps, probably a tinge of "readiness", or simply a whim, I publicly blogged about some insights that ate me. While I was sure nobody even bothers to read that open diary of my mind, the devastating condition of my heart and soul that lay bare, there it was, a reply form one of the precious people who waited for me.
It was then when it struck me: I hid inside my shell for so long (despite it being barely two weeks), barred myself with a wall I built, made impenetrable by anyone--even myself. While I do not regret doing such a step, and had been reminded that I do not need to apologize or explain because it had been my choice, somehow, I felt sad for myself. I was pitiful.
So now I stand, trying to mend the wounded parts, putting together broken pieces, and making myself whole again. Though not as complete as before, with parts still chipping away even as I carefully take each step, I must persevere, be faithful, listen, and most of all, BELIEVE.
