Gauging

I can't quite fathom why you'd accept a certain responsibility and then complain afterwards. Just what the hell is that? I mean, seriously, at least have the mind to gauge what your capabilities are. Weigh the chances, the results, the problems that will arise. I don't think there's anything wrong in telling you can't do it. There's nothing wrong in designating a task to other people. Just don't accept something and then complain.

The Past You Carry with You

So. I was cleaning my room for the nth time and saw this scrap of paper with ugly scribbles on it I recognize as my poor (left) handwriting. Not actually the thing I wanna share, but the content that I successfully decoded:

Discipline is necessary in all fields of this course, in every profession, in every state of life. Without it, life will be in disarray; everything will be in chaos and only disorganization will exist. Which is why them Clinical Instructors (C.I.'s) would pour their hearts (and mouths and hands) out just to "uphold" their own versions of discipline.

I guess only 1 out of 5 C.I.'s will really boost the confidence of their loads. Only one of them will evern try to truly assist the students to achieve their goals or, at the very least, guide them towards the right path for them to learn their purpose or what they really want to do with their life; let them realize what being a NURSE really is, not try to degrade them and bury them six feet under the ground. Only one will give a student nurse a "proper scolding" with good enough points that will be part of his or her routine for the rest of his or her practice.

Honestly, I can't see the point why they have to scold us: these people raising their voices, pinching our biceps or triceps or deltoid areas while we're suctioning, throwing away those Nursing Care Plans just because they do not turn out to be as pleasing to the eyes and brains of the all high and mighty C.I.'s. They are all probably ego-tripping; an excuse to grind us all to dust. But I won't delve too much on the matter because by then, everything will just be going around in circles. 

So, in closing, there's this nurse on duty (NOD) who said this statement, which I hope will be drilled into the minds of those all high and mighty, oh glorious yet uncompassionate Clinical Instructors: "Kaya hindi ako nag-C.I. kasi hindi ako strict. Ang prinsipyo ko tungkol sa ganyang bagay, kung gusto mo talagang matuto, matuto ka nang sarili mo. Hindi mo na kailangang maging biktima o kaya mapagalitan dahil lang sa strikto sila. (I didn't become a C.I. because I'm not strict enough. There's a simple principle I follow: If you really want to learn, you have to do it by yourself. You don't have to become a victim [of somebody's wrath] just because they're strict.)"

Touche.

So hear me, yo mothafucka. Stop ya goddamn yellin' and scoldin' an' yappin' an' getcha fuckin' butt offa lives.

Peace out.

--May 2008, 5:16 a.m.

Bouts

New status on FB: "Sucks that I'm never good at anything."

True. It sucks big time when you're well aware that you're capable of doing something, but the results not exceptional in actuality. Knowing how-to's of little bit of everything, but not one thing living up to accepted standard. Jack of all trades, Master of none.


That applies to me. I know a bit of everything, but there's nothing that I'm truly a master of. It may be a good thing since from the few things or ideas that you know of a particular aspect or concept you may decide to become a master on it, however, once you reflect that there's nothing you can call your forte, bouts of frustrations will soon follow. And that's what's happening to me right now -- now when I am least in need of it.

Because I'm the type of person who most of the time compare herself with others' achievements, and see that what I do are nowhere near their level, I easily get frustrated; instantly gets back inside my shell and sulk. Because I'm a goddamn "perfectionist" who actually has nonexistent skills to save her life, I tend to over-analyze things and think too hard when the only answer is right before my eyes.

I'm thankful for the people who constantly cheer me on despite the fact that what I do are not even above average, but I suppose it's also proper for me to apologize to them because I feel sorry for my loser self who easily gives up and not even believe in herself.

I'm trying to at least be more positive when it comes to crafts or career, but the more people give me affirmation, the more doubtful I become. Sure, most of the time what I only ask for is a sign of positivity -- affirmation -- from people who continually support me, but sometimes my loser self surfaces and dominates my enthusiastic half.

Pitiful creature I am, I know.