Fin.

Maybe it's time to give that heart of glass back. I can't man up to what I said before; I can only bring sadness and pain. I probably did change it to a heart of flesh, but in return, it felt more hurt, more suffering.

You deserve so much more, someone better. If I just scare you for whatever I say or do, that's the breaking point, right? It's time for me to give it up. I can't keep you for myself, I know that now.

The Worse It Gets

1. I'm emo; I over-react.
2. I'm insensitive and inconsiderate.
3. I'm foul-mouthed.
4. I'm insecure.

Just what the hell is wrong with me? I say grand things, but can't even prove them. I claim to be strong but all I'm doing is just putting myself in the dark, and prove to be unworthy of saving. I'd been so accustomed to have a monologue with myself inside my head that I don't even know how to relate with other people anymore, thus leading to conflicts and misunderstandings, some baseless arguments that eventually tire the people around me.

If it weren't for someone to tell me straight out that I'm those listed above, I'd continue doing them that instead of bringing me and her together would most likely drift us apart, with distance surpassing that of physical aspect.

How can I be so selfish? How can I be so self-centered? How can I be so dumb and stupid to realize that the things I dread are actually made by me?

I keep telling myself that if it's her, I don't mind giving up a lot of things, but this train of thought is not as beautiful as one claims it to be: it's intimidating. I've been told to keep doing what I have to do; finish what I started and never rush things. I have my own goals and ambitions and that I should not be blinded by what I choose to believe, or choose to have.

Maybe I do need to keep my distance from now on; to stop hurting her and the people around her; give her space to breathe and move on her own. Because the closer I get, the worse it gets.

Traverse

I'm getting there. Slowly, I'm trying to walk more carefully, being more mindful of the road I tread upon.

I'm getting there. Slowly but surely, I'm learning. There are pains and tears as I walk, sometimes, heart heavy of all the negative emotions running throughout the system. But I'm getting there.

I'm getting there. In time, I'll reach the place where you are, hold your hand and stay close. In time, I'll be with you and we'll be together.

I'm getting there. I may have faults that have hurt your heart or unleashed anger and though I become afraid, I believe I have touched you in one way or another.

The different footing by which our views started at may be a hindrance, but someday, they'd reach the same ground and I hope I'm getting there; I hope I'm catching up to you...

To Catch That Dream

I just wanted to ruffle your hair, stroke your face, hold your hand as we walk. But I guess doing those will just be part of a far-off dream, right? I brought it upon myself, and I'm not proud of it.

Someone told me it's okay to be nervous when contemplating on talking to someone whom you know you've done something terrible against; it means the intention of really hoping to work it out is there. But why do I feel like whatever I do, it won't be enough for me to be forgiven, or to have things go back the way they were? And what if... maybe... I'm not giving anything special, instead, just sadness and pain? Do I still deserve the love given to me? Or, shouldn't the question be: will I be good enough to fill up the void? Does a wretched person like me who only thinks of myself deserve someone as good as her?

If I lose her, what then?

...Then again, reality check, aruki. You don't own her.

Never Meant to Be

Maybe i should stop getting close to people. Maybe it should be better if i go back to the way i was, where i'm all alone and things were simple with my thoughts alone, with my stories, with my books, with my papers and pens. Because the closer i get to someone, things become complicated, or i complicate them, and then i hurt her or him without knowing, and when i realize what i did, i hurt myself in the process.

I say i don't want to hurt people, i don't want those people important to me get hurt by something i say or do. I don't enjoy pain either, but it's better if i shoulder it by myself than let them experience it, right?

Ah. Maybe i'm a coward; i don't want to face the conflicts. Maybe i don't know how to fix them. It's either i'm made to experience suffering alone and to shun myself, to keep from asking help from others, or; i'm just too stupid to think of a way to reverse the situation.

"For every laugh, there should be a tear," says Walt Disney. So maybe if i don't try to be happy, there's no way i'll have something to cry about, right?

Maybe, i was never meant to be happy.

Love-Hate Relationship

About nine months ago, i'd been confronted by my seniors about my work performance. I admitted my shortcomings, listened to their side, but never had the chance to defend myself or let them hear mine.

They tell me they can't figure out what I'm thinking because I'm too quiet. They don't know whether they'd avoid me or talk to me. I know I lack social skills that will enable me to relate with other people. I don't open up unless I'm entirely close to you, or that I entirely trust you, nor do I ask questions that I feel like too probing or too personal. Most people from where I work at misunderstand this.

I'm okay if you tell me outright you don't like me, or you don't like what I do. I'll sulk the first time I hear it and distance myself more, but I'll try my best to change it. But a greater chance of avoiding everyone will probably my reflex, because it's easier that way.

It just pains me to know that even when you're trying your best to fit in and meet their standards, your efforts are futile and no one appreciates them. Most people say you can't please everyone, but in reality, you just have to bite down the bitterness of it and try to win their affection and affirmation because if you don't, you can expect something unpleasant being told behind your back. That's just how life goes. If you're not one with them, you're the bad guy.

It feels heavy when you show up and you know it's not the real you, but when you try and make yourself believe that that's the real you, eventually, that's the reality you'll believe in.

It can change you entirely, and feed the monster inside you that will one day burst out and ravage everything in its path.

I ask myself what I did wrong that made them act that way towards me, but I'm oblivious about it.

Some people appreciate if you show the real you. But if the real you is not their taste, better brace yourself for the ride to hell.

Hunch

They say that when you embark on adventure, or experience dilemma, or about to take the first step of doing something outrageous, you have to follow your heart, listen to what your gut tells you, or heed your intuition. When your hunch tells you there's something off, setting off alarms in your head, you better take up arms or prepare yourself for whatever's bound to happen.

I hate how I take note of everything--anything--on someone or something that's caught my attention. I hate how I make sense of everything, like a jigsaw puzzle where the pieces fall into place when I least intend to. I hate how I get affected afterwards and think and think and think.

Do I smother you, like a hostage in a sack? Do I restrict you, like a dog on a leash? Do I make you feel trapped, like a criminal behind bars?

Sometimes, I can't help but feel like I'm pushing my feelings to you.

Escape

I'm sure when we were kids, we always had that one place where we run off to when we're reprimanded by our parents. A secret hideout that no one else can know except your bestest best friend. Right now, though, I wish I still have that place where I can let everything out. This will probably be an alternative... or not.

No need to worry; I'll try my best to stay alive.

Back

So yeah, I'm back on FB. Not entirely back on track, but at least partly "alive" and "missed" as what my friends deem. Apparently, I missed a lot of stuff in only a few days of absence, then again, I've been also able to moon over things that I haven't been able to because of---yes, you guessed right---my busy sched/work.

I don't want to blame my job for making me unable to work on my costume/s and taking care of other tasks assigned to me for some future events. It's like, I can't seem to work due to a different kind of fatigue. Physical pain, I can handle. But mental and emotional stress? That's different story. It makes me incapacitated.

But through all these, I must remain optimistic. It's just difficult to deal with /things/ when you don't have the right crowd, you don't have the right people on your side, and you constantly have to battle with your inner self about nonsensical stuff.

"When you hope, be joyful. When you suffer, be patient. When you pray, be faithful." - What my good friend, Zhel Guiral taught me. I must persevere; I must learn to lean on God. Let the burden be taken off my shoulders, leave everything in His hands, and renew my relationship with Him.

Time is Ticking

05.21.2012

I can't remember the last time I wrote (or typed) down my thoughts. I'd been preoccupied by too many things, but when I try to enumerate them, they simply boil down to one source.

So I said I should be contented with what I have at the present. Be thankful for the friendship that is probably given to select people, and not ask for more. Even in the past, I kept reminding myself to be careful, not to look too deep into things, completely assess the scenario before plunging in and wreck myself in the process.

But at times, it's just impossible. "The more I look, the more I see. The more I see, the more I understand. The more I understand, the more I wallow. The more I wallow, the more I drown."

***

06.04.2012

"Sexy" can be interpreted in so many ways, mostly on a sexual connotation (duh). It does not, however, merely apply to one showing body parts not usually flaunted in public. It could mean one is holding herself with full confidence, it's eye-catching. Or that, one is gracious and irresistibly attractive at the same time. 

Call me envious; call me anything you like: a conservative little git who is jealous of people who can show off boobs and not care a thing. I probably am; because I'd been brought up bound by strict rules, with values and beliefs, principles that I believe I can follow not because merely of the moral implications upon deviating from them, but because they are what I believe is righteous.

I'm not saying that whatever is in here is absolute; I suppose I'm just the type of person who values respect and honesty so much that I can't stand people who seem to have no regard of their own and others' welfare. And this may be a different kind of projection of concern; the tone may be angry, even wrathful, to some extent.

Probably too cautious, too confined, too conservative, too old-fashioned, too obedient, too tense, I am acting self-righteous myself. But here's what I ask:  If you have no respect for the body that the Lord has granted you with as a temple of Life, would you expect others to respect you the way you are? And you say you're not easy. Don't make me laugh.

Someday, I'll find the courage to tell this to you straight in the face.

***

06.04.2012

We go way back. First time you scarred me was a long time ago; ti's supposed to be buried and must not be unearthed, but I'm being reminded of it each time we get together.

For someone like you to tell me--command me--that I change into something I'm not, just because I'm meek and not as loud as you, is something I can't forgive. Neither forget. I keep thinking of reasons as to why I'm still sticking with you when you have ruined my pride, and I suppose it's not for the 'noble' reason that I wanted to change you for the better, because that would be the same as what you've done to me. It is for the reason that I have not forgiven you at all, and that I must let you realize the damage you have inflicted on my pride, on my ego. 

I can't count the number of times you've ruined me, and that meant double the effort of putting myself back together. I don't need your pity. I don't need you to tell me what to do. I don't need you for me to depend on, as I have other people with me whom I know deserve my trust more that you.

You probably have a good intention in doing all those, but the catch was to change me. Well I think you've done a very good job, woman. I am changing for the worst, and I know that. The path to ruin was opened up by you and you led me there knowing i'd take it and traverse without hesitation. I trusted you, but you broke that, and I'm well aware of that now.

So don't be surprised if I doubt you more than I trust you. Slowly, I'll let you feel destruction. I pity you because between the two of us, you're the one who's in more need of help, not me. I was fine before you came along. I built friendships and trust. And by your cruel intentions, you've ruined that.

***

TL;DR

Calendar of Confessions

What I had been up to, what I went through, what I plunged into.

04.01.2012

Last night, I opted to deactivate my Facebook accounts. Initially, I thought on leaving a little something for people to ponder about. In fact, I’ve made two stanzas of a poem, which is intended to leave clues as to where I’d gone, but eventually, I decided to do otherwise. I left my usual comments, the banter, the praises, the rants, anything noisy to let them know that I was still there, alive, probably frustrated that I can’t attend the con, fussing over how my costume didn’t make it in time, and the list goes one. Then, before the clock struck twelve, I left my main account, followed by the support account.

What’s funny and surprising though, was that someone PM’d me just before I was about to shut down the support/public account, asking me if I’ll be able to attend the convention today. That caught me off guard as I planned to vanish without a trace, without anybody knowing. In the end, I told her of my plan, and her reply was nothing I ever imagined.

This girl, whom I’ve only met once, turns out to be a kind of salvation for me. The Lord has His ways of letting me know that I am not alone, I said to her, and in return, what she said was, “I feel like I’ll never see you again.” For some reason, I wanted to laugh because that feeling is what I wanted to elicit from others, and then here comes a person who felt exactly that when I haven’t even left!

I feel that she is a genuine, sincere person. Given the chance, I’d want to learn more about her, to befriend her, to be a part of her life as a friend. Once I get back in the cycle of things, I’d do that on top of other things.

The purpose of leaving the site without saying goodbye is for me to know who really care about me. For me to know who notices my absence and worry about me. For me to know who goes through all lengths to find out what had become of me. For me to know who will come looking for me.

It is probably a selfish act, as I’ve come to contemplate on my actions. And I’ve yet to come to a conclusion as to what is more hurtful: vanishing without saying goodbye, or saying goodbye as one is about to leave. In my defense, I can always say I need some time to thing about things, and Facebook is just a hindrance, or a distraction for me to reflect on some instances that need some more deep-thinking. But that’s just me rationalizing on that step. And rationalization does not always bid well.

If I think about it more carefully, I didn’t have to pull on that prima donna act to gather attention. Not that I’m asking for one, but that’s probably one of the end results of my rash act. That’s just asking for more trouble than actually fixing what needed to be fixed. It’s like an insult to those who are willing to help, because my going away without telling anyone is just distancing myself more. It’s not helping one bit if I want others to listen to what is bothering me. Apparently.

04.03.2012

My thoughts aren’t as organized as I expected them to be. I have a resolve to forget him, to give myself a deadline on this thing called ‘complicated feelings’ that I chose to complicate myself. But on my second day of contemplation, I realized that maybe, what I’ve been doing is right. I came across a status of one of my workmates/seniors and what it said helped in strengthening my resolve: “Sometimes we have to go away just for a while for others to realize how valuable we really are.” It was my initial purpose for temporarily leaving the site, cutting off contact from everyone else, except for my closest friends, and it merely confirmed what I had intended all along.

04.07.2012

It’s a tedious process; six days of absence and on-and-off, I’ve been thinking who are worried about me, or there are even those who care at all. I may be mistaken; that there may be no one who is actually alarmed by my silence, that they may be too busy to care, that they may be exhausted in waiting for news. I’d dearly pay for my rash act one day, and I won’t be surprised at all if she ends up with him by the time I came back, or that people have grown more distant from me.

Waking moments are the most difficult as there is fear, anxiety that threaten to wreck my solid determination that I am almost tempted to let them know what, “Hey, I’m here! I’m waiting for you! I’ve gone away, but you have to ask me why!” But I must not falter, must stay on my ground because if and when I make the first move, I know I’m on the losing end. This may be my pride talking and being in-control of my thoughts and action, and it’s both good and bad. Though probably more on the ‘bad’.

I hope one day, I get to the bottom of things, fix what needed to be fixed, say the words needed to correctly convey the message, and let the feelings speak for themselves.

04.09.2012

Today, I have been struck with an insight the moment I woke up: a particular person causes me to be insecure of myself and she sometimes intimidate me by her presence. I’ve racked my brains for answers to such mysteries, to no avail. It took me 9 days of absence, and still, I can’t come up with a decent result. I shared the said dilemma to my close friend, and her words blew me away, and I can’t be more thankful with the words she imparted with me: “You can start moving from those facts… We can’t choose the innate personalities we possess, but we can surely hone and develop our character. It’s the balancing factor. I have always been told before, ‘strong characters conquer strong personalities’.”

With the way I acted, though, I can’t be sure it can fall under the category “strong character”, because it felt like what I did was just me escaping, running away from my problems. I wonder, now, what people think of me once I come back. Will they ask me where I’ve gone, say they’re worried out of their wits, and thought something’s happened to me that I can’t contact them at all? Or will they just ignore me and stay more distant? Or will it eventually boil down to nothingness, into vain, everything futile, useless, regrettable? In the end, I’m probably the real coward, hiding behind the pride that I believed would protect me in times of crisis. How I wish I can start anew. Start all over. Mend broken friendships and learn to decipher who are true and not. . .

Just Because

Porque

Performed by: Maldita

***

Tulala lang sa’king kwarto

At nagmu-muni-muni

Ang tanong sa’king sarili

Sa’n ako nagkamali

Bakit sa’yo pa nagkagusto

Parang bula ika’y naglaho

Chorus:

Porque contigo yo ya iskuji

Aura mi corazon ta supri

Bien simple lang iyo ta pidi

Era cinti tu el cosa yo ya cinti

Ta pidi milagro, vira’l tiempo

El mali hace derecho

Na dimio reso ta pidi yo

Era olvidas yo contigo

Ang lahat ay binigay ko

Ngayon ay sising-sisi

Sobra sobra ang parusa

Di alam kung kaya pa

Wag nang lumapit

At tumawag pa at baka masampal lang kita

Di babalikan

Magsisi ka man

Ako ay lisanin

Porque contigo yo ya iskuji

Aura mi corazon ta supri

Bien simple lang iyo ta pidi

Era cinti tu el cosa yo ya cinti

Bakit ikaw pa ang napili

Ngayon ang puso ko ay sawi

Kay simple lang ng aking hiling

Na madama mo rin ang pait at pighati

Sana’y magmilagro

Mabalik ko

Mali ay maiderecho

Pinagdarasal ko sa’king puso

Na mabura na sa isip ko

Before the day ended, I got a text from my friend:  "When one is in love, the only thing that makes sense is everything between them. But when one is in deceit, everything around them makes sense." 

But it's not as though I had been deceived. In truth, I was the one who was too blind to see everything that was happening around me. All the clues were laid out before me, I was merely preoccupied with my own assumptions, which basically made me end up on the "losing side". Somehow, though, the experience has taught me to be more observant, to be more keen, and stay on track. It does not help at all to assume facts or endings by simply relying on the words uttered; the sugar-coated praises, or manipulative remarks, or misleading conversations. 

One must always be wary of what others say, be it in their nature, or simply a whim. Try to be as objective as you can, empathize, put yourself in his/her shoes, and see the bigger picture. Try thinking out of the box and see where everything is going based on the signs given out. Doesn't hurt to be careful so you won't get hurt. Emotionally speaking, coming from a prideful creature whose ego had been grabbed by the head and dragged across the wall to bleed and crack open the skull.

They say it is impossible to keep emotions from interfering with work. I believe otherwise. In one way or another, emotional burden or mental stress can greatly affect one's performance on a job. And it sucks that such a little thing has racked my brain so hard it turned into mush. SNAP.

Melancholic Lights

Melancholic Lights.
The morose glow is dim,
Beauty, bleak.

Somber river of lights.


Photos are extensions of what the eyes have witnessed; the emotions in them, reflective of what is felt within.

Afternoon Contemplation

Try

by Asher Book

If I walk would you run

If I stop would you come

If I say you’re the one would you believe me

If I ask you to stay would you show me the way

Tell me what to say so you don’t leave me

The world is catching up to you

While you're running away to chase your dream

Its time for us to make a move cause we are asking one another to change 

And maybe im not ready 

But I'll try for your love 

I can hide up above

I will try for your love 

we’ve been hiding enough 

If I sing you a song would you sing along 

or wait till im gone , oh how we push and pull 

If I give you my heart would you just play the part 

or tell me it’s the start of something beautiful 

Am I catching up to you 

while you're running away , to chase your dreams 

It's time for us to face the truth cause we are coming to each other to change 

and maybe im not ready 

But I'll try for your love 

I can hide up above 

I will try for your love 

We’ve been hiding enough 

I will try for your love 

I can hide up above

If I walk would you run 

If I stop would you come

If I say you’re the one would you believe me

I feel like crying each time this song plays. I suppose there are just instances that the message of the song, or the entire feel of it is reflective of what we feel, or what we wish for. It's amazing how one can be moved simply by how the words are arranged and how they are delivered--in this case, sung. Ah, I'm getting distracted again.

Caffeine and Protein Boost

Sometimes, I can't help but think that whatever happiness I've experienced one time, an equivalent amount (or even greater) sadness or unfortunate things happen. Equivalent Exchange, yea?

It's been almost a week since our last getaway to Singapore to attend Anime Festival Asia, to support our friends who represented Philippines in the recently held Regional Cosplay Competition, along with other rep's from Southeast Asia: Thailand, Malaysia and Indonesia. It's one of the most unforgettable experiences I've had, and am feeling extra proud to be a Filipino cosplayer. To cut the story short, Team Philippines (March Omega's Zhel and AC) won the competition, and Sir Robert Wong bagged the award for Singles Competition.

But now, it's back to reality. Back to work, and the never-ending cycle of waking up each morning, dreading each step into the ward.

For the past few days, I have this chant in my head that's intended to keep me a little boosted with work. It's to keep my head from being in the clouds; to keep my feet firmly planted on the ground. Sadly, the power of words doesn't seem to have any effect in my performance. Instead, I continue to think and think and think, and it doesn't help one bit. When I think, I stop entirely and then my mind wanders to I-don't-know-where.

I need an inspiration badly. I want to have the burning passion to perform tasks efficiently. I want to be best both in career and hobby so I can say I'm satisfied.

One Lesson

I've been looking for a light

At the end of this tunnel

I've been searching for a sign

To lead me home

Too many endless nights

Of sorrow

But on the other side of this

I know that my heart will live

I never saw a man who walked on the water

I never met a man who walked on the water

But I still believe

I don't understand many things 

But the miracle of love

and all my dreams

'Cause I still believe

And the more I live my life

The lesser I question

All the things I just can't see

Right in front of my eyes

So I take that leap of faith

And learn a few lessons

Time showed me that

What you give is what you get

I never saw a man who walked on the water

I never met a man who walked on the water

But I still believe

I don't know the answer to my prayer

But I keep kneeling down like somebody is there

'Cause I still believe

Well, I guess I could give up

'Cause there are days I wanna run away

From everything

But what good would that do for me

'Cause I, I, I still believe

I never saw a man who walked on the water

I never met a man who walked on the water

But I still believe

I never saw a man who walked on the water

I never met a man who walked on the water

But I still believe (yes I do)

I don't really know what tomorrow will bring

But I'm open to all possibilities

'Cause I still believe

I never saw a man who walked on the water

I never met a man who walked on the water

But I still believe 

I don't really know what tomorrow will bring

But I'm open to all possibilities

'Cause I still believe

But I, but I believe

I never saw a man, never saw a man, never saw a man,

Who walked on the water

I never saw a man, never saw a man, never saw a man,

But I, but I, but I believe (yeah)

But I, but I, but I believe

But I, but I, but I believe

This song by Danny Gokey was playing on loop as I was walking around a park near Boon Keng Station around two, just this morning. I find it comforting to listen to, as it seemed to be speaking to me.

For the past weeks, there are random things running in my head that I neglect my health and work. Looking for a "healthy" distraction wasn't easy, either, as I wasn't even "functioning" well. There were moments when I was throwing questions out loud, or simply staring into the void.... and then, this came.

Whenever I feel like drowning into my thoughts again, I'll just play this song and everything is blown away. I just have to believe. :)

Pondered a little

It's a common sense to actually appreciate something (or someone) due to its aesthetically pleasing qualities seen by the naked eye. For some, it could be a well-made jewelry, a beautifully coutured gown, a handmade card, a colorful painting, or even a delicate figure of a ballet dancer. But for others, it goes deeper than that; they focus on something that is discreet, partially hidden from the threat of external force, trauma, destruction.

Sometimes, I could not help but wonder how shallow people have become. I'm sure that not only I am guilty of this, but we often judge people simply by their external appearance--how well they are dressed, how pretty their faces are, how elegant they look with their accessories. But isn't a person worth something more than those?

Yesterday, I went to a small-scale job fair so I dressed up like what a normal female would on an occasion such as that: yellow turtleneck, beige blazer, black pencil-cut skirt, skin-tone stockings and 4-inch wedged shoes. As I am not comfortable hooking a bag on my shoulder, I made use of a leather backpack that seemed to go with my attire. This, er, clothes totally deviates from my usual attire of plain tees and pants and rubber shoes with a hardcore knapsack to boot, so I was not entirely comfortable. But I tried to at least look like the part that I'm presentable enough and all business-like.

After looking around and leaving my resume, I decided to leave as there was nothing else to do. So I walked and walked and walked despite my feet screaming in agony, cursing me for dragging them along the hard concrete 'til I finally found a seat to relax my aching muscles. But as I was wandering around, I noticed people staring at me as I passed by them. I usually walk while staring at the ground because it was not like me to attract any attention. I don't really want that. As much as possible, I'd like to stay incognito, but alas, that day, I wasn't so... lucky.

My point here is that, well, if I went there and walked past them donning my usual clothes, they won't spare me a second glance because I simply wasn't that attractive and I'm basically not worth a second look. But after wearing those clothes and walking really slow, they notice what was once just seemed to be like a figment of their imagination. I even heard a low, "Hey there" as I tried to whiz my way out of the crowd. It kind of disappoints me to realize that unless you're looking utterly pretty, or at least, stand out in the midst of a normal crowd, nobody would even notice you. It makes me feel that there's a demand in this fast-paced world that you have to act like what most popular people do, or dress up like famous people would to be able to gain attention, or at least be rewarded a second-look (not that I'm asking for it, but meh)....

I wrote a blog on a tissue.

Which is relevant. Hah.

Lately, I've been wanting to keep myself busy to stop me from overthinking things, too much reflecting on a few stuffs that need not actually be contemplated at all. But, alas, there's this Force so great, it hinders me to actually accomplish my tasks. It's known by most people as Procrastination. Sigh. But I've been trying so hard to at least divert my attention on something more productive, like surfing the net to look for a job.

Which brings me to my entry. I found that a Nursing conference and job fair is to be held Feb 18 (today) - Feb 19 and I thought, this is it. So I prepared all the requirements, asked my friends what's a job fair like, and just went to the venue, light shining down upon me, making me all optimistic and giddy. But it didn't last long, that feeling. It was immediately spoiled by two utter disappointments.

I've finally laid my eyes on an utterly insecure woman. Insecure woman wasn't somebody I knew personally, but trusting my gut feel, she's somebody whom I'll never be amused, let alone be fond of. As I was waiting for a ride to the mall where the conference was held, I spied on this couple under the waiting shed. From afar, nothing special struck me, nor something interesting even wormed its way towards me. They were plain, typical, normal, so I minded my own business and just continued waiting for a ride. Long story short, they were sitting across me and one other passenger while the woman was apparently too busy displaying affection to her boyfriend. Being the slightly conservative person that I am, her actions irked me, sending me to wrinkle my nose in disgust and just look away in embarrassment. It was not amusing at all, for I cannot see the point of letting us watch her boyfriend was wiping sweat off her back. Sure, if it was their car, or if we were all friends, or that there wasn't a slightly-conservative-person on board, then it's okay. But still, doing that in public? Even though they're not doing anything to harm me, I still think it's not appropriate. Another thing which irritates me was her sideway glances at me; it's as if I was a threat or something. I tried to ignore it by chanting in my head to just "look away", "don't look at them", "leave them be and let them make a fool of themselves", or even think of something to make myself sit comfortably for the remainder of the trip, but it was futile. The woman was apparently an attention-whore. That, or she's something else, I thought. Then it struck me--she must be insecure. Why would she do that, and lie on her boyfriend's lap like some three-year-old in the first place? I'm not here to brag or anything, but she started acting immaturely, speaking like a toddler, being all snuggly while continuing to look in my direction. Yes, I can see that through my peripheral vision, thank you.  I went "WTF" in my head while smirking evidently. I'm not even the most beautiful woman in the world; hell, calling myself beautiful will even be an insult to a unicorn, I simply do not see why she have to be insecure to a creature like me.

BRB, DYING. Hah. People like that really do exist, huh? It was not my intention to initially deduce that she might be insecure and/or threatened with my presence in front of her boyfriend. LMAO. I actually thought that she might be from somewhere else or she's a goddamn spoiled brat, or she's just fucking immature in reality, in all actuality, in all truth. BUT! If she acting her age (or at least, like an adult that she apparently is), she won't go do something outrageous only to keep her bf's eyes on her, making themselves look pathetically idiotic. FUCK YEA.

Hurr. Moving on, my second disappointment: The job fair. Honestly, I thought it was something bigger, like the ones I see on TV, where there are several people roaming here and there, leaving their resume's on several booths, but the one I attended wasn't like that. I registered and went inside, only to find out that the ones in there are actually booths of review centers and recruiting agencies. What was more, there were only seven of them! The scene almost made me facepalm myself. But I still left my resume at the registration area, hoping that I'll at least get a call. In truth though, it was fairly nice to be surrounded by anything related to your profession.. but with that positive comes a shadow of its opposite: I felt that it was intimidating, too. For some reason, knowing that I have graduated almost two years ago, had only three months experience in the hospital, makes me feel so little, in contrast to those who have only recently graduated and immediately landed a job or have taken the other exams for working abroad; accomplished so much in so little time. I can't help but wonder if I had been giving enough effort to have at least a little progress in my life; am I really walking towards my dream, or have I gone stuck on another step just when I had taken the first one? Am I really cut to this world or I belong somewhere else? Ugh. All these uncertainties makes me feel more depressed.

Been giving it a lot of thought lately, and the picture isn't so pretty. And it's not even my kind of thing to be preoccupied with. Argh!

Anyway, those are the only stuff I'm gonna share for now. Just feeling a bit glad to let it out of my chest somehow, even though nobody actually reads this blog, LOL.

What Are You Like?

I was browsing for some facts about coffee and stumbled upon this:

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, “Tell me, what you see?”

“Carrots, eggs, and coffee,” she replied. Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots.

She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it.

After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, “What does it mean, mother?”

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity … boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.

The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

“Which are you?” she asked her daughter. “When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond?

Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?”

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength? Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?