About nine months ago, i'd been confronted by my seniors about my work performance. I admitted my shortcomings, listened to their side, but never had the chance to defend myself or let them hear mine.
They tell me they can't figure out what I'm thinking because I'm too quiet. They don't know whether they'd avoid me or talk to me. I know I lack social skills that will enable me to relate with other people. I don't open up unless I'm entirely close to you, or that I entirely trust you, nor do I ask questions that I feel like too probing or too personal. Most people from where I work at misunderstand this.
I'm okay if you tell me outright you don't like me, or you don't like what I do. I'll sulk the first time I hear it and distance myself more, but I'll try my best to change it. But a greater chance of avoiding everyone will probably my reflex, because it's easier that way.
It just pains me to know that even when you're trying your best to fit in and meet their standards, your efforts are futile and no one appreciates them. Most people say you can't please everyone, but in reality, you just have to bite down the bitterness of it and try to win their affection and affirmation because if you don't, you can expect something unpleasant being told behind your back. That's just how life goes. If you're not one with them, you're the bad guy.
It feels heavy when you show up and you know it's not the real you, but when you try and make yourself believe that that's the real you, eventually, that's the reality you'll believe in.
It can change you entirely, and feed the monster inside you that will one day burst out and ravage everything in its path.
I ask myself what I did wrong that made them act that way towards me, but I'm oblivious about it.
Some people appreciate if you show the real you. But if the real you is not their taste, better brace yourself for the ride to hell.
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