Never Meant to Be

Maybe i should stop getting close to people. Maybe it should be better if i go back to the way i was, where i'm all alone and things were simple with my thoughts alone, with my stories, with my books, with my papers and pens. Because the closer i get to someone, things become complicated, or i complicate them, and then i hurt her or him without knowing, and when i realize what i did, i hurt myself in the process.

I say i don't want to hurt people, i don't want those people important to me get hurt by something i say or do. I don't enjoy pain either, but it's better if i shoulder it by myself than let them experience it, right?

Ah. Maybe i'm a coward; i don't want to face the conflicts. Maybe i don't know how to fix them. It's either i'm made to experience suffering alone and to shun myself, to keep from asking help from others, or; i'm just too stupid to think of a way to reverse the situation.

"For every laugh, there should be a tear," says Walt Disney. So maybe if i don't try to be happy, there's no way i'll have something to cry about, right?

Maybe, i was never meant to be happy.

Love-Hate Relationship

About nine months ago, i'd been confronted by my seniors about my work performance. I admitted my shortcomings, listened to their side, but never had the chance to defend myself or let them hear mine.

They tell me they can't figure out what I'm thinking because I'm too quiet. They don't know whether they'd avoid me or talk to me. I know I lack social skills that will enable me to relate with other people. I don't open up unless I'm entirely close to you, or that I entirely trust you, nor do I ask questions that I feel like too probing or too personal. Most people from where I work at misunderstand this.

I'm okay if you tell me outright you don't like me, or you don't like what I do. I'll sulk the first time I hear it and distance myself more, but I'll try my best to change it. But a greater chance of avoiding everyone will probably my reflex, because it's easier that way.

It just pains me to know that even when you're trying your best to fit in and meet their standards, your efforts are futile and no one appreciates them. Most people say you can't please everyone, but in reality, you just have to bite down the bitterness of it and try to win their affection and affirmation because if you don't, you can expect something unpleasant being told behind your back. That's just how life goes. If you're not one with them, you're the bad guy.

It feels heavy when you show up and you know it's not the real you, but when you try and make yourself believe that that's the real you, eventually, that's the reality you'll believe in.

It can change you entirely, and feed the monster inside you that will one day burst out and ravage everything in its path.

I ask myself what I did wrong that made them act that way towards me, but I'm oblivious about it.

Some people appreciate if you show the real you. But if the real you is not their taste, better brace yourself for the ride to hell.

Sad

Sad

by Maroon 5

Man, it's been a long day

Stuck thinking 'bout it driving on the freeway

Wondering if I really tried everything I could

Not knowing if I should try a little harder

Oh, but I'm scared to death

That there may not be another one like this

And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread

I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard

The words that you needed so bad

And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you

The place that you needed to have

I'm so sad, saaad

Man, it's been a long night

Just sitting here, trying not to look back

Still looking at the road we never drove on

And wondering if the one I chose was the right one

Oh, but I'm scared to death

That there may not be another one like this

And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread

I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard

The words that you needed so bad

And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you

The place that you needed to have

I'm so sad, saaad

I'm so sad, so sad

Oh, but I'm scared to death

That there may not be another one like this

And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread

I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard

The words that you needed so bad

And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you

The place that you needed to have

And I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard

The words that you needed so bad

I'm so sad, so sad

Photo unrelated to the song, but as I recall that time when I took this shot, I guess that was what I was feeling. No wonder it looks so sad, so plain. It lacks life despite the green color shouting in your face.

Weight

If you don't want to talk, you can just tell me. If you think I'm being a bother, just tell me. I don't want to go pushing myself to you when you hardly need it at the moment. You can blame me for being insensitive, I'm alright with that... After all, I am being one.

What can I do? You never talk, you don't share what you go through, what you experience, why you're feeling that way--no, nothing. I want to be there for you at least have my presence felt even though I'm some distance from you, but if you don't let me in, what use do I have?

Sometimes I just feel like crying my eyes dry just to release all the stress and negative thoughts in my head. After all, who else should I talk to the stuff in my head when no one understands them, or not one soul knows what I'm going through? No one bothers to listen? If I spend too much time thinking about it, I'll drown, but there's no other way to  divert the attention; it follows me wherever I go.

I can only cry. Then again, this must be the selfish me talking.


(Listening to Goodnight, Goodnight while writing this isn't helping at all.)

Power-Tripping

So yesterday was the first day for the refresher course for my IV Therapy, and I can say it went a bit well despite my lack of sleep and interest in the topic. (I easily get bored, see, unless you crack me up with some jokes or something.) This batch of 93 nurses had to undergo workshop, or a group work and present it afterwards. Unfortunately, I was grouped with people who were, apparently, more senior than I am, and have been practicing the profession for quite some time, in an area where guts matter, in an institution that seem to boast it's the best. Can only shrug at that.

I used to hate group works (wait, I still do) because of too many information or inputs for a particular topic. It doesn't help that the seniors were taking the lead because they were more vocal and seem to be more familiar with the situations. What I hate more, probably, is the way they boss people around and not accepting the more valid points of another. I don't know, maybe it's just me. Why even take the stage or assume the role of a leader or manager when you can't even lend an ear to those who want to contribute for the group? I mean, sure, we're pressed with time, but that's not an excuse to just go with what you want. It's not graded, but it just goes to show how you're over-thinking things, setting sail on your own and leaving the fowls behind. You think that boosts your ego, but in truth, it just reflects how rotten you are inside.

A Little, Normal, Sleepless Adventure

(Forewarning: This entry will probably not make any sense; my brain's floating away after being up for 30+ hours.)

I used to be used staying up more than 24 hours, especially when I have to work and cram on a costume, while juggling with a job on varying shifts. But now, I realize my body reaches its limit way sooner than expected.

Anyhow, today (or yesterday) I had to go somewhere straight from night shift and it's not something I'm really looking forward to. Then again, I went to PRC for that particular requirement with my friend, so it's not half bad at all.

From the hospital, we walked to the mall and grab breakfast while we talk over some sensitive issues; went and caught up with what's new, what happened, and whatever plans. (It's not as if we haven't seen each other for years, but it seems like it, even though we're working in the same hospital; our schedules never match.) Nothing beats a talk with a friend; it keeps you in check and dissolves all the biases of overthinking. (She somewhat gave me a new homework; something to reflect on.)

Going away from the topic again, but yeah, while walking, we saw this poor stuffed toy on the sidewalk. Jovelle was kind enough to say it was "planking".

After grabbing breakfast, we took the jeepney to buy longer time to talk before walking to our destination. It was around eight in the morning that time and the sunlight is pretty harsh for someone's eyes that didn't get a wink of sleep. Walking the length of the block (or was it two?) was draining and I can only grumble and complain and whine that I was so tired. Still, thanks to someone who was keeping me company, the journey to that place was bearable.

Too many people, too many requirements, walking here and there... it's just too stressful to spend time in that area, but gotta finish what we came there for. We had to go outside to have licenses photocopied as part of requirement for what we were getting, and this scene greeted us:

It was a funny sight because the people on the other side of the street were too energetic to be calling applicants and whoever to have whatnots photocopied, have their ID pictures taken, apply online for whatever; too many activities and it was such a nice change of sight from the usual morose atmosphere inside the PRC. I think both of us were laughing too much that by the time we went back inside the premises, we were the only ones laughing in that rather serious place.

After accomplishing filing for copies of Certificate of Registration, we didn't waste any more time in going back as we were both sleepy despite all the trolling and coffee. While we were walking the block again, we happened to spot this stall that got weird food we've seen for the first time:

Hotcakes/Japanese cakes + chocolate mallows. If there's anyone who's in need of sugar rush, I think this food is perfect for them. We were munching these cakes away while chatting and I took pictures of the sidewalk we used to pass by during college. It was nostalgic. Smelly and dingy and unsafe but relatively peaceful; talking about the old times made all the bad stuff go away. 

Hello, Recto Avenue, been a long time! Didn't change much, huh?

It was a different kind of experience, taking photos of normal stuff, just you and the busy streets, the usual happenings on a weekday . . . Somehow it makes me want to take photos of what I see before, during, or after work; or something that interested me or I found strange, randomly fascinating, or anything, really. Share a part of what transpires around me . . . If I'm not worried about my phone being snatched while taking photos, that is. (But I guess it shall test my skill of being a ninja, haha!)

And because my brain is terribly unable to function any longer, or can no longer come up with something organized and creative, I'll just leave some more photos I took before going home. Yay for photo spam!

I'll probably emphasize this blog entry in the future. For now, sleep.

TL;DR.

Thought "Compilation"

04.29.2012 – Poem [Unrequited Love]

Due date has come and gone, opportunity has presented itself fleetingly and vanished without a trace.

I missed the chance to tell you how I feel, so I whisper it in my dream, into the warm wind; let my madly beating heart be laid still, for eternity let it rest and be free from the dreaded tempest.

I wanted to keep you close, hoped each second stretch into forever. But the bitter truth spat on my face, and before I realized—SNAP!—it’s long over.

****

05.21.2012 – Thoughts [Conflicting Emotions]

I can’t remember the last time I wrote (or typed) down my thoughts. I’d been preoccupied by too many things, but when I try to enumerate them, they simply boil down to one source.

So I said I should be contented with what I have at the present. Be thankful for the friendship that is probably given to select people, and not ask for more. Even in the past, I kept reminding myself to be careful, not to look too deep into things, completely assess the scenario before plunging in and wreck myself in the process.

But at times, it’s just impossible. “The more I look, the more I see; The more I see, the more I understand. The more I understand, the more I wallow; The more I wallow, the more I drown.”

****

06.18.2012 – Thoughts [Friendship]

I realize I’m so blind to realize that many people are trying to help. I focus so much on one person when there are those who already reached out their hands to me, waiting for me to take them, and be pulled out from misery.

****

07.04.2012 – Thoughts [Emotions]

I realized, I keep pushing my feelings on you, without a regard on what you think or even feel. I suppose I’m that selfish. Don’t worry, I’ll really take a step back from now on. I’ll stop.

***

07.27.2012 – Thoughts [Work]

So maybe when I first entered into this field of work, my initial aim was to get experience. Salary doesn’t matter; I’m happy to get even 3,000 in my bank account. But with all the activities I’m engaging to recently, it came to a point that I wish I was earning more. But more than anything else, I wish I have more time for other things.

It just pains me that those people who have the noblest jobs are not wholly or even partly compensated with what they are supposed to earn. I know not one job is easy, but at least if we get some sort of rightful salary with what we offer, at least somehow, we’ll be assured of our future.

It may boil down on how one handles his or her money, but let’s face it: if you’re not getting enough, you’re not getting enough.

***

08.29.2012 – Thoughts [On Reminiscing]

Today, I saw the mom of my old service-mate. She asked how I am, if I’m already married, where I work, etc. I laughed shyly and said I’m kind of focusing with my job. Then she asked how my brother is, as she remembered I have one other sibling. I can only smile weakly, shake my head, and say, “He’s gone. [He’s not here anymore.]”

There’s this woman under a shed, patiently waiting for a ride back home, when an old lady, probably in her 50’s tapped her shoulder and asked, “Excuse me, aren’t you a friend of Macky and Ton-ton?”

The woman racked her brain for any recollection of said names. She looked at the lady for any recognition on those features, and remembered a brother and a sister in their school uniforms, playing with her, chatting with her as a child. “Ah! Yes, yes, I am! How’s Macky?”

“Oh, still in med school, already in her third year. How are you? Are you married now?”

She laughed lightly, shyly, while shaking her head. “NO, ma’am. Still working my ass off; no time for marriage.”

“I see. What about your brother? Aren’t there two of you? How is he, still in college?”

The young woman merely smiled weakly and said, “He’s gone.”

The look on the other’s face was apparent confusion. “Gone?”

“He died eight years ago.”

***

09.16.2012 – Mixed Feelings

Today, I attended a wedding of another childhood friend. It’s funny ‘cause somehow, I’m the only one left in our circle who’s unmarried. I’m not complaining; it’s more like, I feel happy for them, but at the same time, hopeful that someday, I’d also be experiencing the same thing. To be forever tied to someone… I can’t help but be on the verge of tears as I look at them from afar. There’s one person I have in mind, but somehow, I can’t imagine myself to be married to him. At least not to that level yet. Dreaming about him. Thinking about him…

***

09.22.2012 – Thoughts [Friendship]

After a long talk with Tin, I realized how much of a fool I’d been. How much time I’ve spent wandering, wondering whether I chose the right person to reward my friendship with.

It’s funny how real friends tell you (or imply) how stupid you are by making you realize your own mistakes. It’s nice to know, thought, that these people still appreciate you for who you are, share your sentiments, but still keep an open mind on things accompanying your woes, and still be there, waiting. And then when you go over your experiences, it dawns on you that they are still the same people when you decided to leave them.

Relationships are fragile; it’s up to the people in it to strengthen the bond.

Friendship is not built overnight. Sometimes, it takes a year and a half for some to realize they’ve been in the wrong crowd, trusted wrong people, basically wasted their time with the wrong company. I’m glad to have reached that breaking point which compelled me to be free. I do not regret walking away because I know I’ll find growth while I’m with the good people, good company, good friends.

***

09.27.2012 – Thoughts [Cosplay]

It dawned on me that if you do the best you can, complete a costume and act out the character as though it has possessed you (but still leaving a space for your own sanity of course), you don’t need to please other people or force them to like what you do. It does not grand you, however, the right to call yourself “perfect”. Nothing is perfect in this world; our imperfections as humans make us beautiful, for how else shall we strive to be better and learn to appreciate those qualities or features we lack, if not for these shortcomings?

Translation: Huwag kang attention whore. Trying hard ka masyado eh.

***

12.06.2012 – Thoughts

I love long walks; they help me think about stuff, make old issues resurface and resolve any problems left to sink into the void.

For almost two years, I’ve clung onto false hope that maybe, just maybe, there was a future with the emotions that I held and nurtured inside me. But I suppose one can get tired of loving when you go all out and your are not loved in return. Love should be selfless, but is it too much to ask for it to be requited? In the end, I gave up, shed tears in the process, hardened my heart and swore never to open up again.

Until there came along another who made me realize my value, and that it is my turn to be loved. Physical attraction is naught but temporary. As I continued to communicate thoughts and emotions, the more I learn of this person’s value as well. That it’s both our turn to lean on each other, hearts held by one another, fears and happiness shared, longing, mutual . . . 

***

12.14.2012 – Thoughts [Relationship]

I guess when you truly love someone, you’d do anything just to make them happy, even if it meant sacrificing your own, or giving way to what she wants. Because when you see her happy, you’d eventually feel the same for her. And then you will feel no regret for being selfless. 

***

12.15.2012 – Thoughts [Self]

So I claim to be thinking before saying something. In the end, such may not be the case. I fail to foresee what effect my words leave to another. Just now I realized that I was pretty blunt for saying we go beat around the bush in a conversation. It kinda makes me feel bad. So bad it hurts; that maybe, just maybe, I’m actually pushing what I want shoving what I am, in her face without much care to what she might actually be feeling. I didn’t know I could be so callous.

***

12.22.2012 – Thoughts [Anxiety]

Somehow, I’m more afraid you’d just throw me away after the feeling ebbs away, after you’ve thought all of these much, much deeply. But I’d gladly take all the pain so long as your heart of glass stays whole.

Sometimes, the longing becomes so bad, it’s intolerable.

***

12.26.2012 – Thoughts

I don’t know when it started, but talking to you day by day by day just makes me realize how important you are in my life, and at the same time, how I miss you as each day pass. It breaks my heart to know that you suffer and yet there’s nothing I can do as I am miles away from you. It pains me to know that when you most needed someone to be there for you, my presence is naught but here. How I wanted to be as close to you as I can, feel your solid body against mine.

Anew. A. New. Beginning.

Whoever said you have to wait for new year to start something? It just looks good starting something—anything—and putting the “01-01-YYYY” thing, but everyday is a new day; a chance to take up something that you’ve been meaning to do; take the first step and continue for the next 364 or 365 days! Hah!

That said, I’ve decided to start with my Project 52 again. 365 is too much for me, but, hmm, i can give it a shot. Time to take up the challenge this time and emerge victorious after a year! Yes! (All thanks to a certain someone who has inspired me for the past two months.)

So I guess I’d start off another—or rather, a new—blog entry for the year.

Not much interesting so far has happened to my life, unless, of course you’d count me starting with gym/workout again. For health reasons, i decided to start going to the gym again; for the past months, specifically during the latter part of 2012, it’s becoming difficult for me to climb the staircase, chase after the train, run after a burglar, save the world. It’s me getting old; it’s me and my old bones. Hahaha. Kidding aside, my back has been aching for good two months since July. I went to rehab and got treatment, but it’s not that worse to land me braces. Thank God. Just needed proper posturing and some pain meds if there’s really intolerable pain.

Besides back pain, there’s also me getting fatter. It’s sort of frustrating because I can’t really fit in my old costumes anymore, and wearing wigs somehow don’t have flattering effect anymore.

So taking a quick break from cosplay for a while, focus on more important things and gym, and work, and school, and family. LOL. I have no life. (Currently depending on the west wind to blow away the negativities.)

Personal (or maybe more on the physical) issues done, I remember during the start of the year, I happened to be tagged in people’s pics of their 2012 cosplays. I think it’s cool; some I have been a part of, some I simply ogle at like an idiot and admire from afar... some even literally from AFAR because seas and massive amount of land separate us. Anyhow, I decided to stop procrastinating and eventually made one, too. It was funny and sad at the same time. Funny, because fot the first half of the year, or at least through most of my cosplays, I look like a total dolt. Can only have mirthless laughter at some, whle some also garners the “Shit, seriously? I did this shit?” expression from me, followed by a hard facepalm. Good and bad memories came along the photos; bitter memories, sweet memories, the fun and the sad, crazy, almost everything. Some were priceless, some were easily trashed. And I’m not just talking about cosplay either.

Anyhow, I digress.

During the latter part of the year where most memories—where the mass of raw emotions and experiences were, stay the most vivid in my mind. The clearest will stay in my mind’s eye, for me to reminisce and bask upon. And for the bad ones to stay with me as lessons of the past that will guide me in the future relationships with people—friends and future enemies. It’s time I become more reflective with what I do everyday, gain more insight and continue to improve. After all, as i hear from few people I trust my life with, I am made for something greater. I just need to take the first step and... run like the wind!

And so, apparently, I am going in circles. Going all out without thinking; I’m good at that. (Just when I told myself I should get a hold of this blabbering online and start being noisier—within limits, of course—in real life.)

TL;DR

Another Story

Because they Believed.

04.15.2012 

Most of my "theories" were proven wrong. 

During the time of my isolation, I had been made to realize that indeed, I am not alone. When I chose to untangle myself from the crowd, the experience was grueling. But yesterday, the people I associate myself with did point out stuff for me to know and made me feel better than last.

That they allowed me to "breathe" for a while. Gave me space while I reflect on things. That while I was moping around, sulking, thinking some useless stuff over and over, searching for answers to my questions . . . they were worrying about me.

When i believed no one will contact me, they were frantic in keeping in touch with me, desperate for signs of "life", of any activity.

While I simply let myself believe that they have totally forgotten about me, they were there, just waiting for me to come back.

When I chose to vanish all of a sudden, they were alarmed by my absence and that put them on the edge. They had all sorts of ideas running through their heads  and it made them uneasy.

When I was at the brink of my "soul-searching", I hung onto happy memories, clung on impossible thoughts, vivid imaginations . . . I was at my limit. And then finally, one day, out of sheer boredom perhaps, probably a tinge of "readiness", or simply a whim, I publicly blogged about some insights that ate me. While I was sure nobody even bothers to read that open diary of my mind, the devastating condition of my heart and soul that lay bare, there it was, a reply form one of the precious people who waited for me.

It was then when it struck me: I hid inside my shell for so long (despite it being barely two weeks), barred myself with a wall I built, made impenetrable by anyone--even myself. While I do not regret doing such a step, and had been reminded that I do not need to apologize or explain because it had been my choice, somehow, I felt sad for myself. I  was pitiful. 

So now I stand, trying to mend the wounded parts, putting together broken pieces, and making myself whole again. Though not as complete as before, with parts still chipping away even as I carefully take each step, I must persevere, be faithful, listen, and most of all, BELIEVE.

Calendar of Confessions

What I had been up to, what I went through, what I plunged into.

04.01.2012

Last night, I opted to deactivate my Facebook accounts. Initially, I thought on leaving a little something for people to ponder about. In fact, I’ve made two stanzas of a poem, which is intended to leave clues as to where I’d gone, but eventually, I decided to do otherwise. I left my usual comments, the banter, the praises, the rants, anything noisy to let them know that I was still there, alive, probably frustrated that I can’t attend the con, fussing over how my costume didn’t make it in time, and the list goes one. Then, before the clock struck twelve, I left my main account, followed by the support account.

What’s funny and surprising though, was that someone PM’d me just before I was about to shut down the support/public account, asking me if I’ll be able to attend the convention today. That caught me off guard as I planned to vanish without a trace, without anybody knowing. In the end, I told her of my plan, and her reply was nothing I ever imagined.

This girl, whom I’ve only met once, turns out to be a kind of salvation for me. The Lord has His ways of letting me know that I am not alone, I said to her, and in return, what she said was, “I feel like I’ll never see you again.” For some reason, I wanted to laugh because that feeling is what I wanted to elicit from others, and then here comes a person who felt exactly that when I haven’t even left!

I feel that she is a genuine, sincere person. Given the chance, I’d want to learn more about her, to befriend her, to be a part of her life as a friend. Once I get back in the cycle of things, I’d do that on top of other things.

The purpose of leaving the site without saying goodbye is for me to know who really care about me. For me to know who notices my absence and worry about me. For me to know who goes through all lengths to find out what had become of me. For me to know who will come looking for me.

It is probably a selfish act, as I’ve come to contemplate on my actions. And I’ve yet to come to a conclusion as to what is more hurtful: vanishing without saying goodbye, or saying goodbye as one is about to leave. In my defense, I can always say I need some time to thing about things, and Facebook is just a hindrance, or a distraction for me to reflect on some instances that need some more deep-thinking. But that’s just me rationalizing on that step. And rationalization does not always bid well.

If I think about it more carefully, I didn’t have to pull on that prima donna act to gather attention. Not that I’m asking for one, but that’s probably one of the end results of my rash act. That’s just asking for more trouble than actually fixing what needed to be fixed. It’s like an insult to those who are willing to help, because my going away without telling anyone is just distancing myself more. It’s not helping one bit if I want others to listen to what is bothering me. Apparently.

04.03.2012

My thoughts aren’t as organized as I expected them to be. I have a resolve to forget him, to give myself a deadline on this thing called ‘complicated feelings’ that I chose to complicate myself. But on my second day of contemplation, I realized that maybe, what I’ve been doing is right. I came across a status of one of my workmates/seniors and what it said helped in strengthening my resolve: “Sometimes we have to go away just for a while for others to realize how valuable we really are.” It was my initial purpose for temporarily leaving the site, cutting off contact from everyone else, except for my closest friends, and it merely confirmed what I had intended all along.

04.07.2012

It’s a tedious process; six days of absence and on-and-off, I’ve been thinking who are worried about me, or there are even those who care at all. I may be mistaken; that there may be no one who is actually alarmed by my silence, that they may be too busy to care, that they may be exhausted in waiting for news. I’d dearly pay for my rash act one day, and I won’t be surprised at all if she ends up with him by the time I came back, or that people have grown more distant from me.

Waking moments are the most difficult as there is fear, anxiety that threaten to wreck my solid determination that I am almost tempted to let them know what, “Hey, I’m here! I’m waiting for you! I’ve gone away, but you have to ask me why!” But I must not falter, must stay on my ground because if and when I make the first move, I know I’m on the losing end. This may be my pride talking and being in-control of my thoughts and action, and it’s both good and bad. Though probably more on the ‘bad’.

I hope one day, I get to the bottom of things, fix what needed to be fixed, say the words needed to correctly convey the message, and let the feelings speak for themselves.

04.09.2012

Today, I have been struck with an insight the moment I woke up: a particular person causes me to be insecure of myself and she sometimes intimidate me by her presence. I’ve racked my brains for answers to such mysteries, to no avail. It took me 9 days of absence, and still, I can’t come up with a decent result. I shared the said dilemma to my close friend, and her words blew me away, and I can’t be more thankful with the words she imparted with me: “You can start moving from those facts… We can’t choose the innate personalities we possess, but we can surely hone and develop our character. It’s the balancing factor. I have always been told before, ‘strong characters conquer strong personalities’.”

With the way I acted, though, I can’t be sure it can fall under the category “strong character”, because it felt like what I did was just me escaping, running away from my problems. I wonder, now, what people think of me once I come back. Will they ask me where I’ve gone, say they’re worried out of their wits, and thought something’s happened to me that I can’t contact them at all? Or will they just ignore me and stay more distant? Or will it eventually boil down to nothingness, into vain, everything futile, useless, regrettable? In the end, I’m probably the real coward, hiding behind the pride that I believed would protect me in times of crisis. How I wish I can start anew. Start all over. Mend broken friendships and learn to decipher who are true and not. . .

Continue

So I will never forget the day a massive weight slammed down on one side of the scale that threw everything off-balance:

Continued Story

Vocals: Hitomi

Lyrics: Kuroishi Hitomi

Composition: Kuroishi Hitomi

Arrangement: Kuroishi Hitomi

***

Even just with that single droplet

I just might be able to protect the flower

It’s your smiling face, and with that alone

I can even reach out my hands

If you gather up those trembling voices

You just might be able to start a wind

Light the fleeting glow known as your life

And move your feet forward

La la la la la la la la lan

Let’s meet again someday

La la la la la la la la lan

As long as we’re still alive

What are my overflowing thoughts

That overcome time yet get caught by it?

Where are those people now?

Who keep kindness in corners of their eyes

There’s a new seat next to me

We’ll meet again for the sake of the future

Let’s try living through the day known as today

For as long as we can without façades

It’s sad and painful for people

Nevertheless, their roads continue endlessly

La la la la la la la la lan

Let’s meet again someday

La la la la la la la la lan

As long as we’re still alive

La la la la la la la la lan

That which the wind carries

La la la la la la la la lan

Is a melody that opens up tomorrow

La la la la la la la la lan

Let’s meet again someday

La la la la la la la la lan

As long as we’re still alive

La la la la la la la la lan

That which the wind carries

La la la la la la la la lan

Is a melody that opens up tomorrow

12.22.2011

The scale is broken. It's time to bite down the tears, forget the empty words spoken, and revert to the old ways. 

From the Dust

MISSED

I dressed up, fixed my hair, applied make-up.
I walked with head held high though embarrassment was painted on my soul.
I spoke animatedly hoping to wash away the uneasiness that threatens to show.
I acted as though I were a Majesty who was to show up in front of those people and accept the crown.
And you were my King. 

I took a shot, squeezed my eyes as I tasted the bitter fluid,
The concoction almost intolerable,
The very tool used to inject courage in my wavering heart.
I clenched my fist and waited for a chance in bated breath.
I waited in bated breath.

But as reality showed its face upon me,
Bared its fangs against the alabaster skin,
Struck down its enemy, the Fantasy,
Everything went to a big blur.
Nothing remained still, nothing stayed lucid. 

Perhaps there weren't enough ounce of courage for me to use.
There wasn't enough opportunity to let a simple plan be set into motion.
Perhaps the flashing cameras were a bunch of distractions,
The lenses focusing on the exterior rather than the one Beyond.
And I only wanted one thing---- 

May I have the second button of your shirt?




-aruki, 020709; 11:59 pm



(A/N: Haha, just thought of this piece in a flash. Something happened last week and well, that inspired me to just put the thought into words. Half of this is based on experience though; half is bluff. Yeah. Pardon the utterly lame wordings--haven't written something in so long, that's why.)

Ahahaha, found this while reading through my old blogsite. XD

What Love Can Give...

Love Gives Love Takes

Just when I thought I was safe

You found me in my hiding place

I'd promised never again

I wouldn't give my heart, but then

Closer, closer I moved near you

The way I want you makes me fear you

Love breaks and love divides

Love laughs and love can make you cry

I can't believe the ways

That love can give

And love can take away

I find it hard to explain

It's crazy but it's happening

And I'm falling again

Much further than I've ever been

I'm falling deeper than the ocean

I am lost in this emotion

Love breaks and love divides

Love laughs and love can make you cry

I can't believe the ways

That love can give

And love can take away

Ahh, Oh yeah

Love can give

And love can take away, (take away)

Love breaks and love divides

Love laughs and love can make you cry, (love can make you cry)

I can't believe the ways

That love can give

And love can take away

Love breaks and love divides

Love laughs and love can make you cry

I can't believe the ways

That love can give

And love can take away

I've been listening to The Corrs since back in 5th grade. Our small group of friends even have this "jamming session" every lunch when we'll simply sing songs from their albums and just have fun. (But I have no idea where those people have gone after we entered high school. Different crowds, different schools; no connection at all anymore!)

I remember this song being one of my favorites back then. As embarrassing as it sounds, I had a crush on a classmate and this played in my head whenever she's near. Haha. But I'd like to thank her, for that fleeting feeling, because it opened a new door for me: I wrote prose and poems and even wrote songs.

But, indeed... what love can give, love can take away.

Smile

Smile 

by Uncle Kracker

You´re better then the best

I´m lucky just to linger in your light

Cooler than the flip side of my pillow that´s right

Completely unaware

Nothing can compare to where you send me

Lets me know that it´s ok 

Yeah it´s ok

And the moments when my good times start to fade

You make me smile like the sun

Fall outta bed 

Sing like a bird

Dizzy in my head 

Spin like a record

Crazy on a Sunday night

You make me dance like a fool

Forget how to breathe

Shine like gold 

Buzz like a bee

Just the thought of you can drive me wild

Oh, you make me smile

Even when you´re gone

Somehow you come along

Just like a flower poking through the sidewalk crack and just like that

You steal away the rain and just like that

You make me smile like the sun

Fall outta bed 

Sing like a bird

Dizzy in my head 

Spin like a record

Crazy on a Sunday night

You make me dance like a fool

Forget how to breathe

Shine like gold 

buzz like a bee

Just the thought of you can drive me wild

Oh, you make me smile

Don´t know how I lived without you

'Cuz every time that I get around you

I see the best of me inside your eyes

You make me smile

You make me dance like a fool

Forget how to breathe

Shine like gold 

Buzz like a bee

Just the thought of you can drive me wild

You make me smile like the sun

Fall outta bed 

Sing like bird

Dizzy in my head 

Spin like a record

Crazy on a Sunday night

You make me dance like a fool

Forget how to breathe

Shine like gold 

Buzz like a bee

Just the thought of you can drive me wild

Oh, you make me smile

Oh, you make me smile

Oh, you make me smile 

Will probably start posting lyrics of songs that I'm listening to, and put some reflection on them. I haven't really stopped to listen to them; most of the time, I get attracted to a music because of the melody. It's about time I take it a little deeper.

For now, this is one random song in my player that I feel happy listening to. It's pretty simple, but apparently says something about how I'm feeling about a particular someone. Haha. Doesn't fail to make me smile. It's like, no matter how simple the gesture is, it makes the rather gloomy day totally bright!

Caffeine and Protein Boost

Sometimes, I can't help but think that whatever happiness I've experienced one time, an equivalent amount (or even greater) sadness or unfortunate things happen. Equivalent Exchange, yea?

It's been almost a week since our last getaway to Singapore to attend Anime Festival Asia, to support our friends who represented Philippines in the recently held Regional Cosplay Competition, along with other rep's from Southeast Asia: Thailand, Malaysia and Indonesia. It's one of the most unforgettable experiences I've had, and am feeling extra proud to be a Filipino cosplayer. To cut the story short, Team Philippines (March Omega's Zhel and AC) won the competition, and Sir Robert Wong bagged the award for Singles Competition.

But now, it's back to reality. Back to work, and the never-ending cycle of waking up each morning, dreading each step into the ward.

For the past few days, I have this chant in my head that's intended to keep me a little boosted with work. It's to keep my head from being in the clouds; to keep my feet firmly planted on the ground. Sadly, the power of words doesn't seem to have any effect in my performance. Instead, I continue to think and think and think, and it doesn't help one bit. When I think, I stop entirely and then my mind wanders to I-don't-know-where.

I need an inspiration badly. I want to have the burning passion to perform tasks efficiently. I want to be best both in career and hobby so I can say I'm satisfied.

One Lesson

I've been looking for a light

At the end of this tunnel

I've been searching for a sign

To lead me home

Too many endless nights

Of sorrow

But on the other side of this

I know that my heart will live

I never saw a man who walked on the water

I never met a man who walked on the water

But I still believe

I don't understand many things 

But the miracle of love

and all my dreams

'Cause I still believe

And the more I live my life

The lesser I question

All the things I just can't see

Right in front of my eyes

So I take that leap of faith

And learn a few lessons

Time showed me that

What you give is what you get

I never saw a man who walked on the water

I never met a man who walked on the water

But I still believe

I don't know the answer to my prayer

But I keep kneeling down like somebody is there

'Cause I still believe

Well, I guess I could give up

'Cause there are days I wanna run away

From everything

But what good would that do for me

'Cause I, I, I still believe

I never saw a man who walked on the water

I never met a man who walked on the water

But I still believe

I never saw a man who walked on the water

I never met a man who walked on the water

But I still believe (yes I do)

I don't really know what tomorrow will bring

But I'm open to all possibilities

'Cause I still believe

I never saw a man who walked on the water

I never met a man who walked on the water

But I still believe 

I don't really know what tomorrow will bring

But I'm open to all possibilities

'Cause I still believe

But I, but I believe

I never saw a man, never saw a man, never saw a man,

Who walked on the water

I never saw a man, never saw a man, never saw a man,

But I, but I, but I believe (yeah)

But I, but I, but I believe

But I, but I, but I believe

This song by Danny Gokey was playing on loop as I was walking around a park near Boon Keng Station around two, just this morning. I find it comforting to listen to, as it seemed to be speaking to me.

For the past weeks, there are random things running in my head that I neglect my health and work. Looking for a "healthy" distraction wasn't easy, either, as I wasn't even "functioning" well. There were moments when I was throwing questions out loud, or simply staring into the void.... and then, this came.

Whenever I feel like drowning into my thoughts again, I'll just play this song and everything is blown away. I just have to believe. :)

Pondered a little

It's a common sense to actually appreciate something (or someone) due to its aesthetically pleasing qualities seen by the naked eye. For some, it could be a well-made jewelry, a beautifully coutured gown, a handmade card, a colorful painting, or even a delicate figure of a ballet dancer. But for others, it goes deeper than that; they focus on something that is discreet, partially hidden from the threat of external force, trauma, destruction.

Sometimes, I could not help but wonder how shallow people have become. I'm sure that not only I am guilty of this, but we often judge people simply by their external appearance--how well they are dressed, how pretty their faces are, how elegant they look with their accessories. But isn't a person worth something more than those?

Yesterday, I went to a small-scale job fair so I dressed up like what a normal female would on an occasion such as that: yellow turtleneck, beige blazer, black pencil-cut skirt, skin-tone stockings and 4-inch wedged shoes. As I am not comfortable hooking a bag on my shoulder, I made use of a leather backpack that seemed to go with my attire. This, er, clothes totally deviates from my usual attire of plain tees and pants and rubber shoes with a hardcore knapsack to boot, so I was not entirely comfortable. But I tried to at least look like the part that I'm presentable enough and all business-like.

After looking around and leaving my resume, I decided to leave as there was nothing else to do. So I walked and walked and walked despite my feet screaming in agony, cursing me for dragging them along the hard concrete 'til I finally found a seat to relax my aching muscles. But as I was wandering around, I noticed people staring at me as I passed by them. I usually walk while staring at the ground because it was not like me to attract any attention. I don't really want that. As much as possible, I'd like to stay incognito, but alas, that day, I wasn't so... lucky.

My point here is that, well, if I went there and walked past them donning my usual clothes, they won't spare me a second glance because I simply wasn't that attractive and I'm basically not worth a second look. But after wearing those clothes and walking really slow, they notice what was once just seemed to be like a figment of their imagination. I even heard a low, "Hey there" as I tried to whiz my way out of the crowd. It kind of disappoints me to realize that unless you're looking utterly pretty, or at least, stand out in the midst of a normal crowd, nobody would even notice you. It makes me feel that there's a demand in this fast-paced world that you have to act like what most popular people do, or dress up like famous people would to be able to gain attention, or at least be rewarded a second-look (not that I'm asking for it, but meh)....

I wrote a blog on a tissue.

Which is relevant. Hah.

Lately, I've been wanting to keep myself busy to stop me from overthinking things, too much reflecting on a few stuffs that need not actually be contemplated at all. But, alas, there's this Force so great, it hinders me to actually accomplish my tasks. It's known by most people as Procrastination. Sigh. But I've been trying so hard to at least divert my attention on something more productive, like surfing the net to look for a job.

Which brings me to my entry. I found that a Nursing conference and job fair is to be held Feb 18 (today) - Feb 19 and I thought, this is it. So I prepared all the requirements, asked my friends what's a job fair like, and just went to the venue, light shining down upon me, making me all optimistic and giddy. But it didn't last long, that feeling. It was immediately spoiled by two utter disappointments.

I've finally laid my eyes on an utterly insecure woman. Insecure woman wasn't somebody I knew personally, but trusting my gut feel, she's somebody whom I'll never be amused, let alone be fond of. As I was waiting for a ride to the mall where the conference was held, I spied on this couple under the waiting shed. From afar, nothing special struck me, nor something interesting even wormed its way towards me. They were plain, typical, normal, so I minded my own business and just continued waiting for a ride. Long story short, they were sitting across me and one other passenger while the woman was apparently too busy displaying affection to her boyfriend. Being the slightly conservative person that I am, her actions irked me, sending me to wrinkle my nose in disgust and just look away in embarrassment. It was not amusing at all, for I cannot see the point of letting us watch her boyfriend was wiping sweat off her back. Sure, if it was their car, or if we were all friends, or that there wasn't a slightly-conservative-person on board, then it's okay. But still, doing that in public? Even though they're not doing anything to harm me, I still think it's not appropriate. Another thing which irritates me was her sideway glances at me; it's as if I was a threat or something. I tried to ignore it by chanting in my head to just "look away", "don't look at them", "leave them be and let them make a fool of themselves", or even think of something to make myself sit comfortably for the remainder of the trip, but it was futile. The woman was apparently an attention-whore. That, or she's something else, I thought. Then it struck me--she must be insecure. Why would she do that, and lie on her boyfriend's lap like some three-year-old in the first place? I'm not here to brag or anything, but she started acting immaturely, speaking like a toddler, being all snuggly while continuing to look in my direction. Yes, I can see that through my peripheral vision, thank you.  I went "WTF" in my head while smirking evidently. I'm not even the most beautiful woman in the world; hell, calling myself beautiful will even be an insult to a unicorn, I simply do not see why she have to be insecure to a creature like me.

BRB, DYING. Hah. People like that really do exist, huh? It was not my intention to initially deduce that she might be insecure and/or threatened with my presence in front of her boyfriend. LMAO. I actually thought that she might be from somewhere else or she's a goddamn spoiled brat, or she's just fucking immature in reality, in all actuality, in all truth. BUT! If she acting her age (or at least, like an adult that she apparently is), she won't go do something outrageous only to keep her bf's eyes on her, making themselves look pathetically idiotic. FUCK YEA.

Hurr. Moving on, my second disappointment: The job fair. Honestly, I thought it was something bigger, like the ones I see on TV, where there are several people roaming here and there, leaving their resume's on several booths, but the one I attended wasn't like that. I registered and went inside, only to find out that the ones in there are actually booths of review centers and recruiting agencies. What was more, there were only seven of them! The scene almost made me facepalm myself. But I still left my resume at the registration area, hoping that I'll at least get a call. In truth though, it was fairly nice to be surrounded by anything related to your profession.. but with that positive comes a shadow of its opposite: I felt that it was intimidating, too. For some reason, knowing that I have graduated almost two years ago, had only three months experience in the hospital, makes me feel so little, in contrast to those who have only recently graduated and immediately landed a job or have taken the other exams for working abroad; accomplished so much in so little time. I can't help but wonder if I had been giving enough effort to have at least a little progress in my life; am I really walking towards my dream, or have I gone stuck on another step just when I had taken the first one? Am I really cut to this world or I belong somewhere else? Ugh. All these uncertainties makes me feel more depressed.

Been giving it a lot of thought lately, and the picture isn't so pretty. And it's not even my kind of thing to be preoccupied with. Argh!

Anyway, those are the only stuff I'm gonna share for now. Just feeling a bit glad to let it out of my chest somehow, even though nobody actually reads this blog, LOL.

What Are You Like?

I was browsing for some facts about coffee and stumbled upon this:

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, “Tell me, what you see?”

“Carrots, eggs, and coffee,” she replied. Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots.

She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it.

After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, “What does it mean, mother?”

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity … boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.

The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

“Which are you?” she asked her daughter. “When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond?

Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?”

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength? Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

The Past You Carry with You

So. I was cleaning my room for the nth time and saw this scrap of paper with ugly scribbles on it I recognize as my poor (left) handwriting. Not actually the thing I wanna share, but the content that I successfully decoded:

Discipline is necessary in all fields of this course, in every profession, in every state of life. Without it, life will be in disarray; everything will be in chaos and only disorganization will exist. Which is why them Clinical Instructors (C.I.'s) would pour their hearts (and mouths and hands) out just to "uphold" their own versions of discipline.

I guess only 1 out of 5 C.I.'s will really boost the confidence of their loads. Only one of them will evern try to truly assist the students to achieve their goals or, at the very least, guide them towards the right path for them to learn their purpose or what they really want to do with their life; let them realize what being a NURSE really is, not try to degrade them and bury them six feet under the ground. Only one will give a student nurse a "proper scolding" with good enough points that will be part of his or her routine for the rest of his or her practice.

Honestly, I can't see the point why they have to scold us: these people raising their voices, pinching our biceps or triceps or deltoid areas while we're suctioning, throwing away those Nursing Care Plans just because they do not turn out to be as pleasing to the eyes and brains of the all high and mighty C.I.'s. They are all probably ego-tripping; an excuse to grind us all to dust. But I won't delve too much on the matter because by then, everything will just be going around in circles. 

So, in closing, there's this nurse on duty (NOD) who said this statement, which I hope will be drilled into the minds of those all high and mighty, oh glorious yet uncompassionate Clinical Instructors: "Kaya hindi ako nag-C.I. kasi hindi ako strict. Ang prinsipyo ko tungkol sa ganyang bagay, kung gusto mo talagang matuto, matuto ka nang sarili mo. Hindi mo na kailangang maging biktima o kaya mapagalitan dahil lang sa strikto sila. (I didn't become a C.I. because I'm not strict enough. There's a simple principle I follow: If you really want to learn, you have to do it by yourself. You don't have to become a victim [of somebody's wrath] just because they're strict.)"

Touche.

So hear me, yo mothafucka. Stop ya goddamn yellin' and scoldin' an' yappin' an' getcha fuckin' butt offa lives.

Peace out.

--May 2008, 5:16 a.m.