Love-Hate Relationship

About nine months ago, i'd been confronted by my seniors about my work performance. I admitted my shortcomings, listened to their side, but never had the chance to defend myself or let them hear mine.

They tell me they can't figure out what I'm thinking because I'm too quiet. They don't know whether they'd avoid me or talk to me. I know I lack social skills that will enable me to relate with other people. I don't open up unless I'm entirely close to you, or that I entirely trust you, nor do I ask questions that I feel like too probing or too personal. Most people from where I work at misunderstand this.

I'm okay if you tell me outright you don't like me, or you don't like what I do. I'll sulk the first time I hear it and distance myself more, but I'll try my best to change it. But a greater chance of avoiding everyone will probably my reflex, because it's easier that way.

It just pains me to know that even when you're trying your best to fit in and meet their standards, your efforts are futile and no one appreciates them. Most people say you can't please everyone, but in reality, you just have to bite down the bitterness of it and try to win their affection and affirmation because if you don't, you can expect something unpleasant being told behind your back. That's just how life goes. If you're not one with them, you're the bad guy.

It feels heavy when you show up and you know it's not the real you, but when you try and make yourself believe that that's the real you, eventually, that's the reality you'll believe in.

It can change you entirely, and feed the monster inside you that will one day burst out and ravage everything in its path.

I ask myself what I did wrong that made them act that way towards me, but I'm oblivious about it.

Some people appreciate if you show the real you. But if the real you is not their taste, better brace yourself for the ride to hell.

Power-Tripping

So yesterday was the first day for the refresher course for my IV Therapy, and I can say it went a bit well despite my lack of sleep and interest in the topic. (I easily get bored, see, unless you crack me up with some jokes or something.) This batch of 93 nurses had to undergo workshop, or a group work and present it afterwards. Unfortunately, I was grouped with people who were, apparently, more senior than I am, and have been practicing the profession for quite some time, in an area where guts matter, in an institution that seem to boast it's the best. Can only shrug at that.

I used to hate group works (wait, I still do) because of too many information or inputs for a particular topic. It doesn't help that the seniors were taking the lead because they were more vocal and seem to be more familiar with the situations. What I hate more, probably, is the way they boss people around and not accepting the more valid points of another. I don't know, maybe it's just me. Why even take the stage or assume the role of a leader or manager when you can't even lend an ear to those who want to contribute for the group? I mean, sure, we're pressed with time, but that's not an excuse to just go with what you want. It's not graded, but it just goes to show how you're over-thinking things, setting sail on your own and leaving the fowls behind. You think that boosts your ego, but in truth, it just reflects how rotten you are inside.

A Little, Normal, Sleepless Adventure

(Forewarning: This entry will probably not make any sense; my brain's floating away after being up for 30+ hours.)

I used to be used staying up more than 24 hours, especially when I have to work and cram on a costume, while juggling with a job on varying shifts. But now, I realize my body reaches its limit way sooner than expected.

Anyhow, today (or yesterday) I had to go somewhere straight from night shift and it's not something I'm really looking forward to. Then again, I went to PRC for that particular requirement with my friend, so it's not half bad at all.

From the hospital, we walked to the mall and grab breakfast while we talk over some sensitive issues; went and caught up with what's new, what happened, and whatever plans. (It's not as if we haven't seen each other for years, but it seems like it, even though we're working in the same hospital; our schedules never match.) Nothing beats a talk with a friend; it keeps you in check and dissolves all the biases of overthinking. (She somewhat gave me a new homework; something to reflect on.)

Going away from the topic again, but yeah, while walking, we saw this poor stuffed toy on the sidewalk. Jovelle was kind enough to say it was "planking".

After grabbing breakfast, we took the jeepney to buy longer time to talk before walking to our destination. It was around eight in the morning that time and the sunlight is pretty harsh for someone's eyes that didn't get a wink of sleep. Walking the length of the block (or was it two?) was draining and I can only grumble and complain and whine that I was so tired. Still, thanks to someone who was keeping me company, the journey to that place was bearable.

Too many people, too many requirements, walking here and there... it's just too stressful to spend time in that area, but gotta finish what we came there for. We had to go outside to have licenses photocopied as part of requirement for what we were getting, and this scene greeted us:

It was a funny sight because the people on the other side of the street were too energetic to be calling applicants and whoever to have whatnots photocopied, have their ID pictures taken, apply online for whatever; too many activities and it was such a nice change of sight from the usual morose atmosphere inside the PRC. I think both of us were laughing too much that by the time we went back inside the premises, we were the only ones laughing in that rather serious place.

After accomplishing filing for copies of Certificate of Registration, we didn't waste any more time in going back as we were both sleepy despite all the trolling and coffee. While we were walking the block again, we happened to spot this stall that got weird food we've seen for the first time:

Hotcakes/Japanese cakes + chocolate mallows. If there's anyone who's in need of sugar rush, I think this food is perfect for them. We were munching these cakes away while chatting and I took pictures of the sidewalk we used to pass by during college. It was nostalgic. Smelly and dingy and unsafe but relatively peaceful; talking about the old times made all the bad stuff go away. 

Hello, Recto Avenue, been a long time! Didn't change much, huh?

It was a different kind of experience, taking photos of normal stuff, just you and the busy streets, the usual happenings on a weekday . . . Somehow it makes me want to take photos of what I see before, during, or after work; or something that interested me or I found strange, randomly fascinating, or anything, really. Share a part of what transpires around me . . . If I'm not worried about my phone being snatched while taking photos, that is. (But I guess it shall test my skill of being a ninja, haha!)

And because my brain is terribly unable to function any longer, or can no longer come up with something organized and creative, I'll just leave some more photos I took before going home. Yay for photo spam!

I'll probably emphasize this blog entry in the future. For now, sleep.

TL;DR.

Back

So yeah, I'm back on FB. Not entirely back on track, but at least partly "alive" and "missed" as what my friends deem. Apparently, I missed a lot of stuff in only a few days of absence, then again, I've been also able to moon over things that I haven't been able to because of---yes, you guessed right---my busy sched/work.

I don't want to blame my job for making me unable to work on my costume/s and taking care of other tasks assigned to me for some future events. It's like, I can't seem to work due to a different kind of fatigue. Physical pain, I can handle. But mental and emotional stress? That's different story. It makes me incapacitated.

But through all these, I must remain optimistic. It's just difficult to deal with /things/ when you don't have the right crowd, you don't have the right people on your side, and you constantly have to battle with your inner self about nonsensical stuff.

"When you hope, be joyful. When you suffer, be patient. When you pray, be faithful." - What my good friend, Zhel Guiral taught me. I must persevere; I must learn to lean on God. Let the burden be taken off my shoulders, leave everything in His hands, and renew my relationship with Him.