Time is Ticking

05.21.2012

I can't remember the last time I wrote (or typed) down my thoughts. I'd been preoccupied by too many things, but when I try to enumerate them, they simply boil down to one source.

So I said I should be contented with what I have at the present. Be thankful for the friendship that is probably given to select people, and not ask for more. Even in the past, I kept reminding myself to be careful, not to look too deep into things, completely assess the scenario before plunging in and wreck myself in the process.

But at times, it's just impossible. "The more I look, the more I see. The more I see, the more I understand. The more I understand, the more I wallow. The more I wallow, the more I drown."

***

06.04.2012

"Sexy" can be interpreted in so many ways, mostly on a sexual connotation (duh). It does not, however, merely apply to one showing body parts not usually flaunted in public. It could mean one is holding herself with full confidence, it's eye-catching. Or that, one is gracious and irresistibly attractive at the same time. 

Call me envious; call me anything you like: a conservative little git who is jealous of people who can show off boobs and not care a thing. I probably am; because I'd been brought up bound by strict rules, with values and beliefs, principles that I believe I can follow not because merely of the moral implications upon deviating from them, but because they are what I believe is righteous.

I'm not saying that whatever is in here is absolute; I suppose I'm just the type of person who values respect and honesty so much that I can't stand people who seem to have no regard of their own and others' welfare. And this may be a different kind of projection of concern; the tone may be angry, even wrathful, to some extent.

Probably too cautious, too confined, too conservative, too old-fashioned, too obedient, too tense, I am acting self-righteous myself. But here's what I ask:  If you have no respect for the body that the Lord has granted you with as a temple of Life, would you expect others to respect you the way you are? And you say you're not easy. Don't make me laugh.

Someday, I'll find the courage to tell this to you straight in the face.

***

06.04.2012

We go way back. First time you scarred me was a long time ago; ti's supposed to be buried and must not be unearthed, but I'm being reminded of it each time we get together.

For someone like you to tell me--command me--that I change into something I'm not, just because I'm meek and not as loud as you, is something I can't forgive. Neither forget. I keep thinking of reasons as to why I'm still sticking with you when you have ruined my pride, and I suppose it's not for the 'noble' reason that I wanted to change you for the better, because that would be the same as what you've done to me. It is for the reason that I have not forgiven you at all, and that I must let you realize the damage you have inflicted on my pride, on my ego. 

I can't count the number of times you've ruined me, and that meant double the effort of putting myself back together. I don't need your pity. I don't need you to tell me what to do. I don't need you for me to depend on, as I have other people with me whom I know deserve my trust more that you.

You probably have a good intention in doing all those, but the catch was to change me. Well I think you've done a very good job, woman. I am changing for the worst, and I know that. The path to ruin was opened up by you and you led me there knowing i'd take it and traverse without hesitation. I trusted you, but you broke that, and I'm well aware of that now.

So don't be surprised if I doubt you more than I trust you. Slowly, I'll let you feel destruction. I pity you because between the two of us, you're the one who's in more need of help, not me. I was fine before you came along. I built friendships and trust. And by your cruel intentions, you've ruined that.

***

TL;DR