Dedication

A friend messaged me last night and asked if I were in Singapore. I told him I am, and was sorry I wasn't able to give a heads up. But he said it was okay and asked how come it's sudden. It was actually planned few months back, and although initially thought of being a surprise, trashed the idea and eventually told the truth. "You flew over just for her?"(not in verbatim, but yeah, that's what he asked) and I said she was half the reason. "What dedication!" He says. That sort of caught me off guard. I didn't know that's how other people view what I did. Some asked what I was going to do here when there's no event, and I said I wanted to go around. How long was I going to stay here, two days and one night. What else are you going to do there, and I said, photoshoot. The latter seemed to be the reason for them to jokingly say,"Oh, aruki must be too bored; flying over just to have a shoot and then fly back." I guess I can be crazy sometimes. But it's fun. And worth it. So now before I grab a bite of my breakfast at the hostel I'm staying at, I'll keep replaying yesterday's event with the highlight on the post-dinner. I had too many feels there, and pretty grateful it was dark out. It was then when I felt content and scared at the same time, awkward and happy. I didn't want to let go if not for the people staring. Geez. (Not making too much sense this time of the morning; lack of sleep and too much feels.) Okay, grabbing sandwich now.

Traverse

I'm getting there. Slowly, I'm trying to walk more carefully, being more mindful of the road I tread upon.

I'm getting there. Slowly but surely, I'm learning. There are pains and tears as I walk, sometimes, heart heavy of all the negative emotions running throughout the system. But I'm getting there.

I'm getting there. In time, I'll reach the place where you are, hold your hand and stay close. In time, I'll be with you and we'll be together.

I'm getting there. I may have faults that have hurt your heart or unleashed anger and though I become afraid, I believe I have touched you in one way or another.

The different footing by which our views started at may be a hindrance, but someday, they'd reach the same ground and I hope I'm getting there; I hope I'm catching up to you...

To Catch That Dream

I just wanted to ruffle your hair, stroke your face, hold your hand as we walk. But I guess doing those will just be part of a far-off dream, right? I brought it upon myself, and I'm not proud of it.

Someone told me it's okay to be nervous when contemplating on talking to someone whom you know you've done something terrible against; it means the intention of really hoping to work it out is there. But why do I feel like whatever I do, it won't be enough for me to be forgiven, or to have things go back the way they were? And what if... maybe... I'm not giving anything special, instead, just sadness and pain? Do I still deserve the love given to me? Or, shouldn't the question be: will I be good enough to fill up the void? Does a wretched person like me who only thinks of myself deserve someone as good as her?

If I lose her, what then?

...Then again, reality check, aruki. You don't own her.