Bane

No, no, this isn't Batman-related entry.

Actually, what I'm about to say is that . . . someone IS the bane of my existence. If it's just as easy to get rid of her without too much mess, I'd have done it the first time. Looks like I really got in a bad set of . . . humans. I kinda regret the fact now that I've gotten on the bad side of former acquaintances. Hmm.

Back

So yeah, I'm back on FB. Not entirely back on track, but at least partly "alive" and "missed" as what my friends deem. Apparently, I missed a lot of stuff in only a few days of absence, then again, I've been also able to moon over things that I haven't been able to because of---yes, you guessed right---my busy sched/work.

I don't want to blame my job for making me unable to work on my costume/s and taking care of other tasks assigned to me for some future events. It's like, I can't seem to work due to a different kind of fatigue. Physical pain, I can handle. But mental and emotional stress? That's different story. It makes me incapacitated.

But through all these, I must remain optimistic. It's just difficult to deal with /things/ when you don't have the right crowd, you don't have the right people on your side, and you constantly have to battle with your inner self about nonsensical stuff.

"When you hope, be joyful. When you suffer, be patient. When you pray, be faithful." - What my good friend, Zhel Guiral taught me. I must persevere; I must learn to lean on God. Let the burden be taken off my shoulders, leave everything in His hands, and renew my relationship with Him.

Go Figure

Oh, did I say I have three accounts? One semi-private, one public, one mainly for cosplay. Go figure. Or if your main means for contacting people is through FB, go find the other account. Mushishishishi.

If you want to really keep in touch with me, though, you're free to text me, email me, or IM me. Or comment here, or something. LOL.

Deactivate

Okay, so I'm probably rambling here, which is a good thing, IMO, since this is my blog, and I'm free to do whatever I want in it. It's not like people bother to read this anyway. It's meant to be public, but apparently, since only few people stumble across this rather boring online diary, I can still rant all I want. (insert smiley face here)

So yesterday, I deactivated my FB account again, and without telling anyone. Same stunt as last time, yeah, but I did mention my intention to commit the crime to somebody a few days back. Same action, different reason.

First time was because I just wanted to have a space (and basically lot of space, I did get since I deliberately cut off any kind of communication to my 'friends'), but this time, it's simply because I wanted to. What, am I not allowed to go away once in a while?

So maybe there is something wrong. If anyone bothers to, they're all laid out on separate blog entries prior to this one.

What's good, probably, in deactivating both your accounts is that when you die, all your information are wiped out. Nobody would know you've died.

Forgetting Your Birth

The first thing I plot when I get my new planner, or at least remember when it's that month of the year already, is MY birthday. It's something I look forward to the most, and I spend it wisely, happily, like it's the last day here on earth.

So, yeah.

What baffles me when I greeted someone during their birthday is the answer, "Oh, it's my birthday tomorrow? Shoot, I forgot; so busy lately. Thanks for reminding me." Or something along that line.

Seriously? Forgetting your birthday? And the tone of her reply seemed like it was just an ordinary day, like a photoshoot, or a cosplay event, or a dinner that you forgot to plot on your planner. Excuse me while I hit the bucket.

Haha, not to be rude or anything, but that's just messed up. It sounds pretty boastful or whacked. For me, at least. I mean, somehow you should know the date of the year it is already, since you're working as an assistant to a boss (who you say is rude, BTW). Aren't you supposed to keep track of what activities for the day would be? And if I may be allowed to say, forgetting your own birthday sounds a little ungrateful. In truth, I shouldn't be greeting you, but your mother. And if truth be told, YOU should be thanking your mom for giving birth to you. For all we know, she has the capability to not to give birth to you, 'specially if she's calloused. It's so easy to kill a helpless you inside her womb, you know? All it takes is a little pill or a pair of forceps and then you're gone in a snap. (Although, sadly, such a thing doesn't exist here, if you know what I mean.)

Bottomline, don't give me that shit oh-I-forgot-it's-my-birthday thing. It makes me sick. Oh, I mean, makes me want to strangle you to death. God, take a look at yourself, woman.

Old Ways

Sometimes, I miss writing the old way. I miss ranting the old way. I miss blogging the old way. It was just a few years back, before I started college, when I was still mad at the world, about everything that went wrong. I could hold my ground and not be shaken; stay firm with my decisions and come up with the most sensible solutions to my dilemmas.

But then, there's this thing we call 'change'. It's not pretty.

I grew weak. I became foolish. I was easily swayed, and everything that I promised I won't turn as slapped me in the face. Hard. 

Some people who know me personally can testify how I always look enraged, almost always ready to begin a fight, how easily my brows furrow in anger, how I can spit profanities (which I still do now, mind you) and shoot them straight through one's brain. But all of those are gone now. Today, I am indecisive, a pawn always following orders, unable to think for her own.

Just because you can....

…doesn't mean you should.

I'd been interviewed once at a particular site by my good friend, Katz del Rosario. From what I can remember, I left an advice about cosplay for those who are only starting, and what I said went something like, "Never underestimate cosplay; it's arts, math, and science mixed into one." Well, it's true, at least the way I see it. Making one costume is only 1/3 of the whole of cosplay. The other 2/3 is composed of characterization and attitude. Even after some years of cosplay, I can't say I have all that every time I don on the costume and relate with other people.

Apparently, I'm digressing.

My point really, for writing this entry is to let go of all the bitterness I have for knowing somebody I know who cosplay out of whim, but basically say, "Oh GOD, I LOVE THIS CHARACTER!" all the fucking time. Out of curiosity, maybe, but I'd like to think of it as some sort of a plot to get attention (wanted, expected, or unwelcome; whatever, really, IDC); a way to "compete". Come on. At least choose a character that suits you, jeez. And by golly, I'm not even doing it for popularity! I just want to get shots of costumes I've crammed and made with love and hate; cursed and praised! And of course, to show genuine love for the character.

(I should make this my mantra every time I go choose a character to cosplay: "Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.)

If I have no respect for the hobby, if I have no respect for myself, or I have no ounce of decency in my system, I'd have cosplayed those amazing characters I've been fond of for the longest time, like Kurapika from HxH, Sailor Jupiter from Sailormoon, Aerith from FF7, or even Princess Garnet til Alexandros VIII from FF9, Kuja (from the same game), Boa Hancock from One Piece. (The last one been terribly tempted to cosplay as, but shit, I HAVE NO IDEA WHO SHE IS, SO I CAN'T. Not counting the reason that I can't because I'm not boobylicious or I have no flat stomach. Bleh.)

Okay, okay, okay. I'll stop after I say the last thing I have in mind in relation to this entry:

FUCK I WANT TO COSPLAY RANKA LEE BUT I CAN'T, AND THEREFORE, WON'T.

TL;DR

Blatant Lie

So last time, I know I said I'd believe. But somehow, something tells me it's futile. I can't bring myself to believe someone who's so apt in weaving lies that whatever he/she says seems like the truth. For all I know, I've been played for a fool. Being spun in web of deceit, I let myself be lost in it with only one path of escape.

I've given it some thought, tested the waters, and unfortunately went in too deep. It was some mistake on my part; I have been deceived. I find it difficult to trust another when I've been blatantly, face-first, hit with a betrayal.

But yeah, maybe I'll go find someone else worthy to put my trust on.