Some people say that in any hardships, one must learn to just "hang on", but that's probably in a different context. There are just instances in life that even when you're not ready, you have to let go, because the more you hang on, the more you'd kill yourself.
So, aruki... It's time.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Fin.
Maybe it's time to give that heart of glass back. I can't man up to what I said before; I can only bring sadness and pain. I probably did change it to a heart of flesh, but in return, it felt more hurt, more suffering.
You deserve so much more, someone better. If I just scare you for whatever I say or do, that's the breaking point, right? It's time for me to give it up. I can't keep you for myself, I know that now.
You deserve so much more, someone better. If I just scare you for whatever I say or do, that's the breaking point, right? It's time for me to give it up. I can't keep you for myself, I know that now.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Adventure
(Late entry, 5 April 2013)
So basically what i had in mind was a little off, and none of them were put into action. I guess it just goes to show that i'm all talk and no guts at all to do whatever i wished to do. I feel guilty having her take me around when she's not feeling very well, but i'm still thankful she went out of her way for me. It's not everyday you get to find someone who'd gladly pick you up from the airport, share stories over light breakfast with you, cab over the place you're staying at and help you with your luggage, spend the day at the amusement park, and end the night with awesome dinner with friends--all despite headache and dizziness and fatigue. Not to mention it was her birthday. I think i wanted to cry then.
I thoroughly enjoyed the day, and while ogling at live fishes and other marine life in the Aquarium (the place i loved to bits), it felt as though i did not want it to end; that i can spend even much longer time with her. Time seemed to stop in that place, indeed. And it was time well-spent; everything was worthwhile.
(Surely, i'd have died of cardiac arrest for all the time my heart banged so hard against my chest, had it not been for the many people swarming the place, and endless number of blank fish eyes all over us.)
I can replay the events that took place during that day, over and over again, inside my head.
So basically what i had in mind was a little off, and none of them were put into action. I guess it just goes to show that i'm all talk and no guts at all to do whatever i wished to do. I feel guilty having her take me around when she's not feeling very well, but i'm still thankful she went out of her way for me. It's not everyday you get to find someone who'd gladly pick you up from the airport, share stories over light breakfast with you, cab over the place you're staying at and help you with your luggage, spend the day at the amusement park, and end the night with awesome dinner with friends--all despite headache and dizziness and fatigue. Not to mention it was her birthday. I think i wanted to cry then.
I thoroughly enjoyed the day, and while ogling at live fishes and other marine life in the Aquarium (the place i loved to bits), it felt as though i did not want it to end; that i can spend even much longer time with her. Time seemed to stop in that place, indeed. And it was time well-spent; everything was worthwhile.
(Surely, i'd have died of cardiac arrest for all the time my heart banged so hard against my chest, had it not been for the many people swarming the place, and endless number of blank fish eyes all over us.)
I can replay the events that took place during that day, over and over again, inside my head.
Saturday, April 13, 2013
The Worse It Gets
1. I'm emo; I over-react.
2. I'm insensitive and inconsiderate.
3. I'm foul-mouthed.
4. I'm insecure.
Just what the hell is wrong with me? I say grand things, but can't even prove them. I claim to be strong but all I'm doing is just putting myself in the dark, and prove to be unworthy of saving. I'd been so accustomed to have a monologue with myself inside my head that I don't even know how to relate with other people anymore, thus leading to conflicts and misunderstandings, some baseless arguments that eventually tire the people around me.
If it weren't for someone to tell me straight out that I'm those listed above, I'd continue doing them that instead of bringing me and her together would most likely drift us apart, with distance surpassing that of physical aspect.
How can I be so selfish? How can I be so self-centered? How can I be so dumb and stupid to realize that the things I dread are actually made by me?
I keep telling myself that if it's her, I don't mind giving up a lot of things, but this train of thought is not as beautiful as one claims it to be: it's intimidating. I've been told to keep doing what I have to do; finish what I started and never rush things. I have my own goals and ambitions and that I should not be blinded by what I choose to believe, or choose to have.
Maybe I do need to keep my distance from now on; to stop hurting her and the people around her; give her space to breathe and move on her own. Because the closer I get, the worse it gets.
2. I'm insensitive and inconsiderate.
3. I'm foul-mouthed.
4. I'm insecure.
Just what the hell is wrong with me? I say grand things, but can't even prove them. I claim to be strong but all I'm doing is just putting myself in the dark, and prove to be unworthy of saving. I'd been so accustomed to have a monologue with myself inside my head that I don't even know how to relate with other people anymore, thus leading to conflicts and misunderstandings, some baseless arguments that eventually tire the people around me.
If it weren't for someone to tell me straight out that I'm those listed above, I'd continue doing them that instead of bringing me and her together would most likely drift us apart, with distance surpassing that of physical aspect.
How can I be so selfish? How can I be so self-centered? How can I be so dumb and stupid to realize that the things I dread are actually made by me?
I keep telling myself that if it's her, I don't mind giving up a lot of things, but this train of thought is not as beautiful as one claims it to be: it's intimidating. I've been told to keep doing what I have to do; finish what I started and never rush things. I have my own goals and ambitions and that I should not be blinded by what I choose to believe, or choose to have.
Maybe I do need to keep my distance from now on; to stop hurting her and the people around her; give her space to breathe and move on her own. Because the closer I get, the worse it gets.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Dedication
A friend messaged me last night and asked if I were in Singapore. I told him I am, and was sorry I wasn't able to give a heads up. But he said it was okay and asked how come it's sudden. It was actually planned few months back, and although initially thought of being a surprise, trashed the idea and eventually told the truth. "You flew over just for her?"(not in verbatim, but yeah, that's what he asked) and I said she was half the reason. "What dedication!" He says. That sort of caught me off guard. I didn't know that's how other people view what I did. Some asked what I was going to do here when there's no event, and I said I wanted to go around. How long was I going to stay here, two days and one night. What else are you going to do there, and I said, photoshoot. The latter seemed to be the reason for them to jokingly say,"Oh, aruki must be too bored; flying over just to have a shoot and then fly back." I guess I can be crazy sometimes. But it's fun. And worth it.
So now before I grab a bite of my breakfast at the hostel I'm staying at, I'll keep replaying yesterday's event with the highlight on the post-dinner. I had too many feels there, and pretty grateful it was dark out. It was then when I felt content and scared at the same time, awkward and happy. I didn't want to let go if not for the people staring. Geez.
(Not making too much sense this time of the morning; lack of sleep and too much feels.)
Okay, grabbing sandwich now.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Traverse
I'm getting there. Slowly, I'm trying to walk more carefully, being more mindful of the road I tread upon.
I'm getting there. Slowly but surely, I'm learning. There are pains and tears as I walk, sometimes, heart heavy of all the negative emotions running throughout the system. But I'm getting there.
I'm getting there. In time, I'll reach the place where you are, hold your hand and stay close. In time, I'll be with you and we'll be together.
I'm getting there. I may have faults that have hurt your heart or unleashed anger and though I become afraid, I believe I have touched you in one way or another.
The different footing by which our views started at may be a hindrance, but someday, they'd reach the same ground and I hope I'm getting there; I hope I'm catching up to you...
I'm getting there. Slowly but surely, I'm learning. There are pains and tears as I walk, sometimes, heart heavy of all the negative emotions running throughout the system. But I'm getting there.
I'm getting there. In time, I'll reach the place where you are, hold your hand and stay close. In time, I'll be with you and we'll be together.
I'm getting there. I may have faults that have hurt your heart or unleashed anger and though I become afraid, I believe I have touched you in one way or another.
The different footing by which our views started at may be a hindrance, but someday, they'd reach the same ground and I hope I'm getting there; I hope I'm catching up to you...
Monday, March 25, 2013
To Catch That Dream
I just wanted to ruffle your hair, stroke your face, hold your hand as we walk. But I guess doing those will just be part of a far-off dream, right? I brought it upon myself, and I'm not proud of it.
Someone told me it's okay to be nervous when contemplating on talking to someone whom you know you've done something terrible against; it means the intention of really hoping to work it out is there. But why do I feel like whatever I do, it won't be enough for me to be forgiven, or to have things go back the way they were? And what if... maybe... I'm not giving anything special, instead, just sadness and pain? Do I still deserve the love given to me? Or, shouldn't the question be: will I be good enough to fill up the void? Does a wretched person like me who only thinks of myself deserve someone as good as her?
If I lose her, what then?
...Then again, reality check, aruki. You don't own her.
Someone told me it's okay to be nervous when contemplating on talking to someone whom you know you've done something terrible against; it means the intention of really hoping to work it out is there. But why do I feel like whatever I do, it won't be enough for me to be forgiven, or to have things go back the way they were? And what if... maybe... I'm not giving anything special, instead, just sadness and pain? Do I still deserve the love given to me? Or, shouldn't the question be: will I be good enough to fill up the void? Does a wretched person like me who only thinks of myself deserve someone as good as her?
If I lose her, what then?
...Then again, reality check, aruki. You don't own her.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Never Meant to Be
Maybe i should stop getting close to people. Maybe it should be better if i go back to the way i was, where i'm all alone and things were simple with my thoughts alone, with my stories, with my books, with my papers and pens. Because the closer i get to someone, things become complicated, or i complicate them, and then i hurt her or him without knowing, and when i realize what i did, i hurt myself in the process.
I say i don't want to hurt people, i don't want those people important to me get hurt by something i say or do. I don't enjoy pain either, but it's better if i shoulder it by myself than let them experience it, right?
Ah. Maybe i'm a coward; i don't want to face the conflicts. Maybe i don't know how to fix them. It's either i'm made to experience suffering alone and to shun myself, to keep from asking help from others, or; i'm just too stupid to think of a way to reverse the situation.
"For every laugh, there should be a tear," says Walt Disney. So maybe if i don't try to be happy, there's no way i'll have something to cry about, right?
Maybe, i was never meant to be happy.
I say i don't want to hurt people, i don't want those people important to me get hurt by something i say or do. I don't enjoy pain either, but it's better if i shoulder it by myself than let them experience it, right?
Ah. Maybe i'm a coward; i don't want to face the conflicts. Maybe i don't know how to fix them. It's either i'm made to experience suffering alone and to shun myself, to keep from asking help from others, or; i'm just too stupid to think of a way to reverse the situation.
"For every laugh, there should be a tear," says Walt Disney. So maybe if i don't try to be happy, there's no way i'll have something to cry about, right?
Maybe, i was never meant to be happy.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Love-Hate Relationship
About nine months ago, i'd been confronted by my seniors about my work performance. I admitted my shortcomings, listened to their side, but never had the chance to defend myself or let them hear mine.
They tell me they can't figure out what I'm thinking because I'm too quiet. They don't know whether they'd avoid me or talk to me. I know I lack social skills that will enable me to relate with other people. I don't open up unless I'm entirely close to you, or that I entirely trust you, nor do I ask questions that I feel like too probing or too personal. Most people from where I work at misunderstand this.
I'm okay if you tell me outright you don't like me, or you don't like what I do. I'll sulk the first time I hear it and distance myself more, but I'll try my best to change it. But a greater chance of avoiding everyone will probably my reflex, because it's easier that way.
It just pains me to know that even when you're trying your best to fit in and meet their standards, your efforts are futile and no one appreciates them. Most people say you can't please everyone, but in reality, you just have to bite down the bitterness of it and try to win their affection and affirmation because if you don't, you can expect something unpleasant being told behind your back. That's just how life goes. If you're not one with them, you're the bad guy.
It feels heavy when you show up and you know it's not the real you, but when you try and make yourself believe that that's the real you, eventually, that's the reality you'll believe in.
It can change you entirely, and feed the monster inside you that will one day burst out and ravage everything in its path.
I ask myself what I did wrong that made them act that way towards me, but I'm oblivious about it.
Some people appreciate if you show the real you. But if the real you is not their taste, better brace yourself for the ride to hell.
They tell me they can't figure out what I'm thinking because I'm too quiet. They don't know whether they'd avoid me or talk to me. I know I lack social skills that will enable me to relate with other people. I don't open up unless I'm entirely close to you, or that I entirely trust you, nor do I ask questions that I feel like too probing or too personal. Most people from where I work at misunderstand this.
I'm okay if you tell me outright you don't like me, or you don't like what I do. I'll sulk the first time I hear it and distance myself more, but I'll try my best to change it. But a greater chance of avoiding everyone will probably my reflex, because it's easier that way.
It just pains me to know that even when you're trying your best to fit in and meet their standards, your efforts are futile and no one appreciates them. Most people say you can't please everyone, but in reality, you just have to bite down the bitterness of it and try to win their affection and affirmation because if you don't, you can expect something unpleasant being told behind your back. That's just how life goes. If you're not one with them, you're the bad guy.
It feels heavy when you show up and you know it's not the real you, but when you try and make yourself believe that that's the real you, eventually, that's the reality you'll believe in.
It can change you entirely, and feed the monster inside you that will one day burst out and ravage everything in its path.
I ask myself what I did wrong that made them act that way towards me, but I'm oblivious about it.
Some people appreciate if you show the real you. But if the real you is not their taste, better brace yourself for the ride to hell.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
I'm Not an Idiot After All!
Because I recently contracted cough and colds, the Japanese reference to idiots not having those does not apply to me (not that I'm Japanese in the first place, but yeah, you get the point).
I considered taking sick leave and just let the Head Nurse do the job on his own (because frankly, I can't get anything done when he's around; he talks too much and orders around too much), and since I fear the babies would get sick if I get near them, but went to work all the same. It got worse during the first few days of the month, but eventually dissipated, which I'm thankful for. (It's become terribly difficult to eat and breathe.)
So much for randomness. LOL. I'm better now so I can go rambling all I want, hah!
I considered taking sick leave and just let the Head Nurse do the job on his own (because frankly, I can't get anything done when he's around; he talks too much and orders around too much), and since I fear the babies would get sick if I get near them, but went to work all the same. It got worse during the first few days of the month, but eventually dissipated, which I'm thankful for. (It's become terribly difficult to eat and breathe.)
So much for randomness. LOL. I'm better now so I can go rambling all I want, hah!
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Hunch
They say that when you embark on adventure, or experience dilemma, or about to take the first step of doing something outrageous, you have to follow your heart, listen to what your gut tells you, or heed your intuition. When your hunch tells you there's something off, setting off alarms in your head, you better take up arms or prepare yourself for whatever's bound to happen.
I hate how I take note of everything--anything--on someone or something that's caught my attention. I hate how I make sense of everything, like a jigsaw puzzle where the pieces fall into place when I least intend to. I hate how I get affected afterwards and think and think and think.
Do I smother you, like a hostage in a sack? Do I restrict you, like a dog on a leash? Do I make you feel trapped, like a criminal behind bars?
Sometimes, I can't help but feel like I'm pushing my feelings to you.
I hate how I take note of everything--anything--on someone or something that's caught my attention. I hate how I make sense of everything, like a jigsaw puzzle where the pieces fall into place when I least intend to. I hate how I get affected afterwards and think and think and think.
Do I smother you, like a hostage in a sack? Do I restrict you, like a dog on a leash? Do I make you feel trapped, like a criminal behind bars?
Sometimes, I can't help but feel like I'm pushing my feelings to you.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Fears
While some of us have irrational fears over something others deem normal, others experience anxiety over something they believe might happen in the future. More of the inevitability of these circumstances, people dread them from occurring, but still having that inkling feeling that they /might/ happen. It's all too confusing; probably similar to what Harry and Ron experience in Divination class.
Now, though, there is one thing I fear: That the day will come when I will be the only one holding on. The future without her will be too bleak.
Somebody That I Used To Know
by Gotye feat. Kimbra
[Gotye:]
Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember
You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad it was over
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
[Kimbra:]
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
But I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know
[Gotye:]
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
[x2]
Somebody
(I used to know)
Somebody
(Now you're just somebody that I used to know)
(I used to know)
(That I used to know)
(I used to know)
Somebody
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Wallowing
Misery
By Maroon 5
So scared of breaking it that you won't let it bend
And I wrote two hundred letters I will never send
Sometimes these cuts are so much deeper then they seem
You'd rather cover up, I'd rather let them be
So let me be, and I'll set you free
I am in misery
There ain't nobody who can comfort me, oh yeah
Why won't you answer me?
The silence is slowly killing me, oh yeah
Girl you really got me bad
You really got me bad
Now I'm gonna get you back
I'm gonna get you back
Your salty skin and how it mixes in with mine
The way it feels to be completely intertwined
Not that I didn't care, it's that I didn't know
It's not what I didn't feel, it's what I didn't show
So let me be, and I'll set you free
I am in misery
And there ain't nobody who can comfort me, oh yeah
Why won't you answer me?
The silence is slowly killing me, oh yeah
Girl you really got me bad
You really got me bad
And now I'm gonna get you back
Now I'm gonna get you back
You say your faith is shaken, and you may be mistaken
You keep me wide awake and waiting for the sun
I'm desperate and confused, so far away from you
I'm getting there, I don't care where I have to roam
Why do you do what you do to me, yeah?
Why won't you answer me, answer me yeah?
Why do you do what you do to me yeah?
Why won't you answer me, answer me yeah?
I am in misery
And there ain't nobody who can comfort me, oh yeah
Why won't you answer me?
The silence is slowly killing me, oh yeah
Girl you really got me bad
You really got me bad
And now I'm gonna get you back
I'm gonna get you back
Girl you really got me bad
You really got me bad
And now I'm gonna get you back
I'm gonna get you back
Girl you really got me bad
You really got me bad
And now I'm gonna get you back
I'm gonna get you back
Girl you really got me bad
You really got me bad
Now I'm gonna get you back
I'm gonna get you back
Sometimes it takes me a long time to think of a reply, and when I do and then I start typing, I think twice whether I should send it or not, thinking it might be annoying or bothersome, or untimely.
In-between thoughts though, I just wish I'm sitting beside you, just looking at you tackling work and letters and documents; kinda like a kid on her father's office, or something like that. Hahahaha... Weird.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Escape
I'm sure when we were kids, we always had that one place where we run off to when we're reprimanded by our parents. A secret hideout that no one else can know except your bestest best friend. Right now, though, I wish I still have that place where I can let everything out. This will probably be an alternative... or not.
No need to worry; I'll try my best to stay alive.
No need to worry; I'll try my best to stay alive.
Sad
Sad
by Maroon 5
Man, it's been a long day
Stuck thinking 'bout it driving on the freeway
Wondering if I really tried everything I could
Not knowing if I should try a little harder
Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread
I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The place that you needed to have
I'm so sad, saaad
Man, it's been a long night
Just sitting here, trying not to look back
Still looking at the road we never drove on
And wondering if the one I chose was the right one
Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread
I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The place that you needed to have
I'm so sad, saaad
I'm so sad, so sad
Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread
I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The place that you needed to have
And I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
I'm so sad, so sad
Photo unrelated to the song, but as I recall that time when I took this shot, I guess that was what I was feeling. No wonder it looks so sad, so plain. It lacks life despite the green color shouting in your face.
Weight
If you don't want to talk, you can just tell me. If you think I'm being a bother, just tell me. I don't want to go pushing myself to you when you hardly need it at the moment. You can blame me for being insensitive, I'm alright with that... After all, I am being one.
What can I do? You never talk, you don't share what you go through, what you experience, why you're feeling that way--no, nothing. I want to be there for you at least have my presence felt even though I'm some distance from you, but if you don't let me in, what use do I have?
Sometimes I just feel like crying my eyes dry just to release all the stress and negative thoughts in my head. After all, who else should I talk to the stuff in my head when no one understands them, or not one soul knows what I'm going through? No one bothers to listen? If I spend too much time thinking about it, I'll drown, but there's no other way to divert the attention; it follows me wherever I go.
I can only cry. Then again, this must be the selfish me talking.
(Listening to Goodnight, Goodnight while writing this isn't helping at all.)
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Power-Tripping
So yesterday was the first day for the refresher course for my IV Therapy, and I can say it went a bit well despite my lack of sleep and interest in the topic. (I easily get bored, see, unless you crack me up with some jokes or something.) This batch of 93 nurses had to undergo workshop, or a group work and present it afterwards. Unfortunately, I was grouped with people who were, apparently, more senior than I am, and have been practicing the profession for quite some time, in an area where guts matter, in an institution that seem to boast it's the best. Can only shrug at that.
I used to hate group works (wait, I still do) because of too many information or inputs for a particular topic. It doesn't help that the seniors were taking the lead because they were more vocal and seem to be more familiar with the situations. What I hate more, probably, is the way they boss people around and not accepting the more valid points of another. I don't know, maybe it's just me. Why even take the stage or assume the role of a leader or manager when you can't even lend an ear to those who want to contribute for the group? I mean, sure, we're pressed with time, but that's not an excuse to just go with what you want. It's not graded, but it just goes to show how you're over-thinking things, setting sail on your own and leaving the fowls behind. You think that boosts your ego, but in truth, it just reflects how rotten you are inside.
I used to hate group works (wait, I still do) because of too many information or inputs for a particular topic. It doesn't help that the seniors were taking the lead because they were more vocal and seem to be more familiar with the situations. What I hate more, probably, is the way they boss people around and not accepting the more valid points of another. I don't know, maybe it's just me. Why even take the stage or assume the role of a leader or manager when you can't even lend an ear to those who want to contribute for the group? I mean, sure, we're pressed with time, but that's not an excuse to just go with what you want. It's not graded, but it just goes to show how you're over-thinking things, setting sail on your own and leaving the fowls behind. You think that boosts your ego, but in truth, it just reflects how rotten you are inside.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
A Little, Normal, Sleepless Adventure
(Forewarning: This entry will probably not make any sense; my brain's floating away after being up for 30+ hours.)
I used to be used staying up more than 24 hours, especially when I have to work and cram on a costume, while juggling with a job on varying shifts. But now, I realize my body reaches its limit way sooner than expected.
Anyhow, today (or yesterday) I had to go somewhere straight from night shift and it's not something I'm really looking forward to. Then again, I went to PRC for that particular requirement with my friend, so it's not half bad at all.
From the hospital, we walked to the mall and grab breakfast while we talk over some sensitive issues; went and caught up with what's new, what happened, and whatever plans. (It's not as if we haven't seen each other for years, but it seems like it, even though we're working in the same hospital; our schedules never match.) Nothing beats a talk with a friend; it keeps you in check and dissolves all the biases of overthinking. (She somewhat gave me a new homework; something to reflect on.)
Going away from the topic again, but yeah, while walking, we saw this poor stuffed toy on the sidewalk. Jovelle was kind enough to say it was "planking".
After grabbing breakfast, we took the jeepney to buy longer time to talk before walking to our destination. It was around eight in the morning that time and the sunlight is pretty harsh for someone's eyes that didn't get a wink of sleep. Walking the length of the block (or was it two?) was draining and I can only grumble and complain and whine that I was so tired. Still, thanks to someone who was keeping me company, the journey to that place was bearable.
Too many people, too many requirements, walking here and there... it's just too stressful to spend time in that area, but gotta finish what we came there for. We had to go outside to have licenses photocopied as part of requirement for what we were getting, and this scene greeted us:
It was a funny sight because the people on the other side of the street were too energetic to be calling applicants and whoever to have whatnots photocopied, have their ID pictures taken, apply online for whatever; too many activities and it was such a nice change of sight from the usual morose atmosphere inside the PRC. I think both of us were laughing too much that by the time we went back inside the premises, we were the only ones laughing in that rather serious place.
After accomplishing filing for copies of Certificate of Registration, we didn't waste any more time in going back as we were both sleepy despite all the trolling and coffee. While we were walking the block again, we happened to spot this stall that got weird food we've seen for the first time:
Hotcakes/Japanese cakes + chocolate mallows. If there's anyone who's in need of sugar rush, I think this food is perfect for them. We were munching these cakes away while chatting and I took pictures of the sidewalk we used to pass by during college. It was nostalgic. Smelly and dingy and unsafe but relatively peaceful; talking about the old times made all the bad stuff go away.
Hello, Recto Avenue, been a long time! Didn't change much, huh?
It was a different kind of experience, taking photos of normal stuff, just you and the busy streets, the usual happenings on a weekday . . . Somehow it makes me want to take photos of what I see before, during, or after work; or something that interested me or I found strange, randomly fascinating, or anything, really. Share a part of what transpires around me . . . If I'm not worried about my phone being snatched while taking photos, that is. (But I guess it shall test my skill of being a ninja, haha!)
And because my brain is terribly unable to function any longer, or can no longer come up with something organized and creative, I'll just leave some more photos I took before going home. Yay for photo spam!
I'll probably emphasize this blog entry in the future. For now, sleep.
TL;DR.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Thought "Compilation"
04.29.2012 – Poem [Unrequited Love]
Due date has come and gone, opportunity has presented itself fleetingly and vanished without a trace.
I missed the chance to tell you how I feel, so I whisper it in my dream, into the warm wind; let my madly beating heart be laid still, for eternity let it rest and be free from the dreaded tempest.
I wanted to keep you close, hoped each second stretch into forever. But the bitter truth spat on my face, and before I realized—SNAP!—it’s long over.
****
05.21.2012 – Thoughts [Conflicting Emotions]
I can’t remember the last time I wrote (or typed) down my thoughts. I’d been preoccupied by too many things, but when I try to enumerate them, they simply boil down to one source.
So I said I should be contented with what I have at the present. Be thankful for the friendship that is probably given to select people, and not ask for more. Even in the past, I kept reminding myself to be careful, not to look too deep into things, completely assess the scenario before plunging in and wreck myself in the process.
But at times, it’s just impossible. “The more I look, the more I see; The more I see, the more I understand. The more I understand, the more I wallow; The more I wallow, the more I drown.”
****
06.18.2012 – Thoughts [Friendship]
I realize I’m so blind to realize that many people are trying to help. I focus so much on one person when there are those who already reached out their hands to me, waiting for me to take them, and be pulled out from misery.
****
07.04.2012 – Thoughts [Emotions]
I realized, I keep pushing my feelings on you, without a regard on what you think or even feel. I suppose I’m that selfish. Don’t worry, I’ll really take a step back from now on. I’ll stop.
***
07.27.2012 – Thoughts [Work]
So maybe when I first entered into this field of work, my initial aim was to get experience. Salary doesn’t matter; I’m happy to get even 3,000 in my bank account. But with all the activities I’m engaging to recently, it came to a point that I wish I was earning more. But more than anything else, I wish I have more time for other things.
It just pains me that those people who have the noblest jobs are not wholly or even partly compensated with what they are supposed to earn. I know not one job is easy, but at least if we get some sort of rightful salary with what we offer, at least somehow, we’ll be assured of our future.
It may boil down on how one handles his or her money, but let’s face it: if you’re not getting enough, you’re not getting enough.
***
08.29.2012 – Thoughts [On Reminiscing]
Today, I saw the mom of my old service-mate. She asked how I am, if I’m already married, where I work, etc. I laughed shyly and said I’m kind of focusing with my job. Then she asked how my brother is, as she remembered I have one other sibling. I can only smile weakly, shake my head, and say, “He’s gone. [He’s not here anymore.]”
There’s this woman under a shed, patiently waiting for a ride back home, when an old lady, probably in her 50’s tapped her shoulder and asked, “Excuse me, aren’t you a friend of Macky and Ton-ton?”
The woman racked her brain for any recollection of said names. She looked at the lady for any recognition on those features, and remembered a brother and a sister in their school uniforms, playing with her, chatting with her as a child. “Ah! Yes, yes, I am! How’s Macky?”
“Oh, still in med school, already in her third year. How are you? Are you married now?”
She laughed lightly, shyly, while shaking her head. “NO, ma’am. Still working my ass off; no time for marriage.”
“I see. What about your brother? Aren’t there two of you? How is he, still in college?”
The young woman merely smiled weakly and said, “He’s gone.”
The look on the other’s face was apparent confusion. “Gone?”
“He died eight years ago.”
***
09.16.2012 – Mixed Feelings
Today, I attended a wedding of another childhood friend. It’s funny ‘cause somehow, I’m the only one left in our circle who’s unmarried. I’m not complaining; it’s more like, I feel happy for them, but at the same time, hopeful that someday, I’d also be experiencing the same thing. To be forever tied to someone… I can’t help but be on the verge of tears as I look at them from afar. There’s one person I have in mind, but somehow, I can’t imagine myself to be married to him. At least not to that level yet. Dreaming about him. Thinking about him…
***
09.22.2012 – Thoughts [Friendship]
After a long talk with Tin, I realized how much of a fool I’d been. How much time I’ve spent wandering, wondering whether I chose the right person to reward my friendship with.
It’s funny how real friends tell you (or imply) how stupid you are by making you realize your own mistakes. It’s nice to know, thought, that these people still appreciate you for who you are, share your sentiments, but still keep an open mind on things accompanying your woes, and still be there, waiting. And then when you go over your experiences, it dawns on you that they are still the same people when you decided to leave them.
Relationships are fragile; it’s up to the people in it to strengthen the bond.
Friendship is not built overnight. Sometimes, it takes a year and a half for some to realize they’ve been in the wrong crowd, trusted wrong people, basically wasted their time with the wrong company. I’m glad to have reached that breaking point which compelled me to be free. I do not regret walking away because I know I’ll find growth while I’m with the good people, good company, good friends.
***
09.27.2012 – Thoughts [Cosplay]
It dawned on me that if you do the best you can, complete a costume and act out the character as though it has possessed you (but still leaving a space for your own sanity of course), you don’t need to please other people or force them to like what you do. It does not grand you, however, the right to call yourself “perfect”. Nothing is perfect in this world; our imperfections as humans make us beautiful, for how else shall we strive to be better and learn to appreciate those qualities or features we lack, if not for these shortcomings?
Translation: Huwag kang attention whore. Trying hard ka masyado eh.
***
12.06.2012 – Thoughts
I love long walks; they help me think about stuff, make old issues resurface and resolve any problems left to sink into the void.
For almost two years, I’ve clung onto false hope that maybe, just maybe, there was a future with the emotions that I held and nurtured inside me. But I suppose one can get tired of loving when you go all out and your are not loved in return. Love should be selfless, but is it too much to ask for it to be requited? In the end, I gave up, shed tears in the process, hardened my heart and swore never to open up again.
Until there came along another who made me realize my value, and that it is my turn to be loved. Physical attraction is naught but temporary. As I continued to communicate thoughts and emotions, the more I learn of this person’s value as well. That it’s both our turn to lean on each other, hearts held by one another, fears and happiness shared, longing, mutual . . .
***
12.14.2012 – Thoughts [Relationship]
I guess when you truly love someone, you’d do anything just to make them happy, even if it meant sacrificing your own, or giving way to what she wants. Because when you see her happy, you’d eventually feel the same for her. And then you will feel no regret for being selfless.
***
12.15.2012 – Thoughts [Self]
So I claim to be thinking before saying something. In the end, such may not be the case. I fail to foresee what effect my words leave to another. Just now I realized that I was pretty blunt for saying we go beat around the bush in a conversation. It kinda makes me feel bad. So bad it hurts; that maybe, just maybe, I’m actually pushing what I want shoving what I am, in her face without much care to what she might actually be feeling. I didn’t know I could be so callous.
***
12.22.2012 – Thoughts [Anxiety]
Somehow, I’m more afraid you’d just throw me away after the feeling ebbs away, after you’ve thought all of these much, much deeply. But I’d gladly take all the pain so long as your heart of glass stays whole.
Sometimes, the longing becomes so bad, it’s intolerable.
***
12.26.2012 – Thoughts
I don’t know when it started, but talking to you day by day by day just makes me realize how important you are in my life, and at the same time, how I miss you as each day pass. It breaks my heart to know that you suffer and yet there’s nothing I can do as I am miles away from you. It pains me to know that when you most needed someone to be there for you, my presence is naught but here. How I wanted to be as close to you as I can, feel your solid body against mine.
Anew. A. New. Beginning.
Whoever said you have to wait for new year to start something? It just looks good starting something—anything—and putting the “01-01-YYYY” thing, but everyday is a new day; a chance to take up something that you’ve been meaning to do; take the first step and continue for the next 364 or 365 days! Hah!
That said, I’ve decided to start with my Project 52 again. 365 is too much for me, but, hmm, i can give it a shot. Time to take up the challenge this time and emerge victorious after a year! Yes! (All thanks to a certain someone who has inspired me for the past two months.)
So I guess I’d start off another—or rather, a new—blog entry for the year.
Not much interesting so far has happened to my life, unless, of course you’d count me starting with gym/workout again. For health reasons, i decided to start going to the gym again; for the past months, specifically during the latter part of 2012, it’s becoming difficult for me to climb the staircase, chase after the train, run after a burglar, save the world. It’s me getting old; it’s me and my old bones. Hahaha. Kidding aside, my back has been aching for good two months since July. I went to rehab and got treatment, but it’s not that worse to land me braces. Thank God. Just needed proper posturing and some pain meds if there’s really intolerable pain.
Besides back pain, there’s also me getting fatter. It’s sort of frustrating because I can’t really fit in my old costumes anymore, and wearing wigs somehow don’t have flattering effect anymore.
So taking a quick break from cosplay for a while, focus on more important things and gym, and work, and school, and family. LOL. I have no life. (Currently depending on the west wind to blow away the negativities.)
Personal (or maybe more on the physical) issues done, I remember during the start of the year, I happened to be tagged in people’s pics of their 2012 cosplays. I think it’s cool; some I have been a part of, some I simply ogle at like an idiot and admire from afar... some even literally from AFAR because seas and massive amount of land separate us. Anyhow, I decided to stop procrastinating and eventually made one, too. It was funny and sad at the same time. Funny, because fot the first half of the year, or at least through most of my cosplays, I look like a total dolt. Can only have mirthless laughter at some, whle some also garners the “Shit, seriously? I did this shit?” expression from me, followed by a hard facepalm. Good and bad memories came along the photos; bitter memories, sweet memories, the fun and the sad, crazy, almost everything. Some were priceless, some were easily trashed. And I’m not just talking about cosplay either.
Anyhow, I digress.
During the latter part of the year where most memories—where the mass of raw emotions and experiences were, stay the most vivid in my mind. The clearest will stay in my mind’s eye, for me to reminisce and bask upon. And for the bad ones to stay with me as lessons of the past that will guide me in the future relationships with people—friends and future enemies. It’s time I become more reflective with what I do everyday, gain more insight and continue to improve. After all, as i hear from few people I trust my life with, I am made for something greater. I just need to take the first step and... run like the wind!
And so, apparently, I am going in circles. Going all out without thinking; I’m good at that. (Just when I told myself I should get a hold of this blabbering online and start being noisier—within limits, of course—in real life.)
That said, I’ve decided to start with my Project 52 again. 365 is too much for me, but, hmm, i can give it a shot. Time to take up the challenge this time and emerge victorious after a year! Yes! (All thanks to a certain someone who has inspired me for the past two months.)
So I guess I’d start off another—or rather, a new—blog entry for the year.
Not much interesting so far has happened to my life, unless, of course you’d count me starting with gym/workout again. For health reasons, i decided to start going to the gym again; for the past months, specifically during the latter part of 2012, it’s becoming difficult for me to climb the staircase, chase after the train, run after a burglar, save the world. It’s me getting old; it’s me and my old bones. Hahaha. Kidding aside, my back has been aching for good two months since July. I went to rehab and got treatment, but it’s not that worse to land me braces. Thank God. Just needed proper posturing and some pain meds if there’s really intolerable pain.
Besides back pain, there’s also me getting fatter. It’s sort of frustrating because I can’t really fit in my old costumes anymore, and wearing wigs somehow don’t have flattering effect anymore.
So taking a quick break from cosplay for a while, focus on more important things and gym, and work, and school, and family. LOL. I have no life. (Currently depending on the west wind to blow away the negativities.)
Personal (or maybe more on the physical) issues done, I remember during the start of the year, I happened to be tagged in people’s pics of their 2012 cosplays. I think it’s cool; some I have been a part of, some I simply ogle at like an idiot and admire from afar... some even literally from AFAR because seas and massive amount of land separate us. Anyhow, I decided to stop procrastinating and eventually made one, too. It was funny and sad at the same time. Funny, because fot the first half of the year, or at least through most of my cosplays, I look like a total dolt. Can only have mirthless laughter at some, whle some also garners the “Shit, seriously? I did this shit?” expression from me, followed by a hard facepalm. Good and bad memories came along the photos; bitter memories, sweet memories, the fun and the sad, crazy, almost everything. Some were priceless, some were easily trashed. And I’m not just talking about cosplay either.
Anyhow, I digress.
During the latter part of the year where most memories—where the mass of raw emotions and experiences were, stay the most vivid in my mind. The clearest will stay in my mind’s eye, for me to reminisce and bask upon. And for the bad ones to stay with me as lessons of the past that will guide me in the future relationships with people—friends and future enemies. It’s time I become more reflective with what I do everyday, gain more insight and continue to improve. After all, as i hear from few people I trust my life with, I am made for something greater. I just need to take the first step and... run like the wind!
And so, apparently, I am going in circles. Going all out without thinking; I’m good at that. (Just when I told myself I should get a hold of this blabbering online and start being noisier—within limits, of course—in real life.)
TL;DR
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)