04.29.2012 – Poem [Unrequited Love]
Due date has come and gone, opportunity has presented itself fleetingly and vanished without a trace.
I missed the chance to tell you how I feel, so I whisper it in my dream, into the warm wind; let my madly beating heart be laid still, for eternity let it rest and be free from the dreaded tempest.
I wanted to keep you close, hoped each second stretch into forever. But the bitter truth spat on my face, and before I realized—SNAP!—it’s long over.
****
05.21.2012 – Thoughts [Conflicting Emotions]
I can’t remember the last time I wrote (or typed) down my thoughts. I’d been preoccupied by too many things, but when I try to enumerate them, they simply boil down to one source.
So I said I should be contented with what I have at the present. Be thankful for the friendship that is probably given to select people, and not ask for more. Even in the past, I kept reminding myself to be careful, not to look too deep into things, completely assess the scenario before plunging in and wreck myself in the process.
But at times, it’s just impossible. “The more I look, the more I see; The more I see, the more I understand. The more I understand, the more I wallow; The more I wallow, the more I drown.”
****
06.18.2012 – Thoughts [Friendship]
I realize I’m so blind to realize that many people are trying to help. I focus so much on one person when there are those who already reached out their hands to me, waiting for me to take them, and be pulled out from misery.
****
07.04.2012 – Thoughts [Emotions]
I realized, I keep pushing my feelings on you, without a regard on what you think or even feel. I suppose I’m that selfish. Don’t worry, I’ll really take a step back from now on. I’ll stop.
***
07.27.2012 – Thoughts [Work]
So maybe when I first entered into this field of work, my initial aim was to get experience. Salary doesn’t matter; I’m happy to get even 3,000 in my bank account. But with all the activities I’m engaging to recently, it came to a point that I wish I was earning more. But more than anything else, I wish I have more time for other things.
It just pains me that those people who have the noblest jobs are not wholly or even partly compensated with what they are supposed to earn. I know not one job is easy, but at least if we get some sort of rightful salary with what we offer, at least somehow, we’ll be assured of our future.
It may boil down on how one handles his or her money, but let’s face it: if you’re not getting enough, you’re not getting enough.
***
08.29.2012 – Thoughts [On Reminiscing]
Today, I saw the mom of my old service-mate. She asked how I am, if I’m already married, where I work, etc. I laughed shyly and said I’m kind of focusing with my job. Then she asked how my brother is, as she remembered I have one other sibling. I can only smile weakly, shake my head, and say, “He’s gone. [He’s not here anymore.]”
There’s this woman under a shed, patiently waiting for a ride back home, when an old lady, probably in her 50’s tapped her shoulder and asked, “Excuse me, aren’t you a friend of Macky and Ton-ton?”
The woman racked her brain for any recollection of said names. She looked at the lady for any recognition on those features, and remembered a brother and a sister in their school uniforms, playing with her, chatting with her as a child. “Ah! Yes, yes, I am! How’s Macky?”
“Oh, still in med school, already in her third year. How are you? Are you married now?”
She laughed lightly, shyly, while shaking her head. “NO, ma’am. Still working my ass off; no time for marriage.”
“I see. What about your brother? Aren’t there two of you? How is he, still in college?”
The young woman merely smiled weakly and said, “He’s gone.”
The look on the other’s face was apparent confusion. “Gone?”
“He died eight years ago.”
***
09.16.2012 – Mixed Feelings
Today, I attended a wedding of another childhood friend. It’s funny ‘cause somehow, I’m the only one left in our circle who’s unmarried. I’m not complaining; it’s more like, I feel happy for them, but at the same time, hopeful that someday, I’d also be experiencing the same thing. To be forever tied to someone… I can’t help but be on the verge of tears as I look at them from afar. There’s one person I have in mind, but somehow, I can’t imagine myself to be married to him. At least not to that level yet. Dreaming about him. Thinking about him…
***
09.22.2012 – Thoughts [Friendship]
After a long talk with Tin, I realized how much of a fool I’d been. How much time I’ve spent wandering, wondering whether I chose the right person to reward my friendship with.
It’s funny how real friends tell you (or imply) how stupid you are by making you realize your own mistakes. It’s nice to know, thought, that these people still appreciate you for who you are, share your sentiments, but still keep an open mind on things accompanying your woes, and still be there, waiting. And then when you go over your experiences, it dawns on you that they are still the same people when you decided to leave them.
Relationships are fragile; it’s up to the people in it to strengthen the bond.
Friendship is not built overnight. Sometimes, it takes a year and a half for some to realize they’ve been in the wrong crowd, trusted wrong people, basically wasted their time with the wrong company. I’m glad to have reached that breaking point which compelled me to be free. I do not regret walking away because I know I’ll find growth while I’m with the good people, good company, good friends.
***
09.27.2012 – Thoughts [Cosplay]
It dawned on me that if you do the best you can, complete a costume and act out the character as though it has possessed you (but still leaving a space for your own sanity of course), you don’t need to please other people or force them to like what you do. It does not grand you, however, the right to call yourself “perfect”. Nothing is perfect in this world; our imperfections as humans make us beautiful, for how else shall we strive to be better and learn to appreciate those qualities or features we lack, if not for these shortcomings?
Translation: Huwag kang attention whore. Trying hard ka masyado eh.
***
I love long walks; they help me think about stuff, make old issues resurface and resolve any problems left to sink into the void.
For almost two years, I’ve clung onto false hope that maybe, just maybe, there was a future with the emotions that I held and nurtured inside me. But I suppose one can get tired of loving when you go all out and your are not loved in return. Love should be selfless, but is it too much to ask for it to be requited? In the end, I gave up, shed tears in the process, hardened my heart and swore never to open up again.
Until there came along another who made me realize my value, and that it is my turn to be loved. Physical attraction is naught but temporary. As I continued to communicate thoughts and emotions, the more I learn of this person’s value as well. That it’s both our turn to lean on each other, hearts held by one another, fears and happiness shared, longing, mutual . . .
***
12.14.2012 – Thoughts [Relationship]
I guess when you truly love someone, you’d do anything just to make them happy, even if it meant sacrificing your own, or giving way to what she wants. Because when you see her happy, you’d eventually feel the same for her. And then you will feel no regret for being selfless.
***
12.15.2012 – Thoughts [Self]
So I claim to be thinking before saying something. In the end, such may not be the case. I fail to foresee what effect my words leave to another. Just now I realized that I was pretty blunt for saying we go beat around the bush in a conversation. It kinda makes me feel bad. So bad it hurts; that maybe, just maybe, I’m actually pushing what I want shoving what I am, in her face without much care to what she might actually be feeling. I didn’t know I could be so callous.
***
12.22.2012 – Thoughts [Anxiety]
Somehow, I’m more afraid you’d just throw me away after the feeling ebbs away, after you’ve thought all of these much, much deeply. But I’d gladly take all the pain so long as your heart of glass stays whole.
Sometimes, the longing becomes so bad, it’s intolerable.
***
I don’t know when it started, but talking to you day by day by day just makes me realize how important you are in my life, and at the same time, how I miss you as each day pass. It breaks my heart to know that you suffer and yet there’s nothing I can do as I am miles away from you. It pains me to know that when you most needed someone to be there for you, my presence is naught but here. How I wanted to be as close to you as I can, feel your solid body against mine.
