Late

For the first time in six years, I can clearly recall my dream with him in it: It was a typical day out in a rather cold place; we were donned on thick jackets and bonnets and gloves and earmuffs. He was walking alongside me, the wide smile on his youthful face was simply overflowing with happiness. I remember putting my arm around his shoulders, I was playfully pulling him closer and embracing him. Again, and again, and again. And then I seriously told him how much I missed him as I cried and he merely looked at me and smiled that sincere smile of his.

Snap.

Just like that, the dream came to an abrupt end.

Hello, Goodbye

2010 is indeed an eventful year -- met new people and gained friends, fleetingly practiced profession and had a glimpse of the real world, crossed the seas and spent the holidays away from home, but still at home...

I thank YOU for being a part of my life, and for letting ME be a part of yours. Cheers, 2011!

Maybe

"There are many things that, even though you're fervently praying for them to come true, have not yet been granted. It may be for the reason that you do not need them yet. Think of it this way--whatever you're doing now, do you think you'll still be able to do it once you have a job? There may be problems which eat you and your sanity altogether, but they are there because you need them."

Random.

It's only been a week since AFA X in Singapore and I still can't get over it! I'll just post my AFA and Singapore experiences next time.

Anyway, here be a random something that's cosplay-related (at last)! I haven't checked out my list of to-do things because it looks terribly overwhelming, so I'll just settle with my schedule (photoshoot and cosplay competition) in the mean time.

1. January
• Trinity Blood
• KHR: Kokuyo Gang
• KHR: First Generation
• Hakuouki Shinsengumi Kitan
2. February
• Shinsengumi
• Romeo x Juliet
3. March
• Hunter x Hunter
• Macross Frontier
4. April
• One Piece
• Blood+
• the GazettE
• Gundam 00
5. May
• 
  
6. June
• Fire Emblem
• 
  
7. July
• 
  
8. August
• 
  
9. September
• Romeo x Juliet
10. October
• 
  
11. November
• Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann
12. December
• Final Fantasy 

I just realized the list is equally intimidating. And overwhelming. FML.

So Easy...

So today, I rode the jeepney to somewhere.... I sat at the rear end of the vehicle so I can look far away and get lost in my thoughts; stared onto the highway, let my mind go blank. For a moment, four words ran and ran and ran inside my head and it was then when I realized what people who committed suicide probably thought--- "It's just so easy." Had the urge to throw myself in the middle of the road.

A Little Advice

I don't believe in horoscopes, nor do I follow their advice. Fortune cookies are not my thing, too, but considering these simple applications in FB have results that hits the bull's eye, who am I to complain?

Daily Horoscope:

Do you feel a little under the weather today, Leo? It's quite possible, considering all the emotional turmoil you've been through lately. It takes time to recover from such storms. As you know, the work itself isn't what gets you down. It's worry about the future that drains your energy. Give yourself a break today. Take some time for rest and recuperation.

Fortune Cookie:

Decide what you want and go for it. 

Yes, these little things make up my day. I suppose I really have to rest, stop worrying, reflect and... well, just live the day as I want to. :)

Answered

Well, not entirely, but I like how this one provided some answers to my current problems --

(Reposted from Uretz) :>






*edit:
I'm starting to see the positive side of being the "Jack of all Trades, Master of None" thing that's been sticking in my head for years now. At least there's a chance for me to explore whatever craft I have some knowledge of, instead of just sticking to only a particular forte. For now.

Bouts

New status on FB: "Sucks that I'm never good at anything."

True. It sucks big time when you're well aware that you're capable of doing something, but the results not exceptional in actuality. Knowing how-to's of little bit of everything, but not one thing living up to accepted standard. Jack of all trades, Master of none.


That applies to me. I know a bit of everything, but there's nothing that I'm truly a master of. It may be a good thing since from the few things or ideas that you know of a particular aspect or concept you may decide to become a master on it, however, once you reflect that there's nothing you can call your forte, bouts of frustrations will soon follow. And that's what's happening to me right now -- now when I am least in need of it.

Because I'm the type of person who most of the time compare herself with others' achievements, and see that what I do are nowhere near their level, I easily get frustrated; instantly gets back inside my shell and sulk. Because I'm a goddamn "perfectionist" who actually has nonexistent skills to save her life, I tend to over-analyze things and think too hard when the only answer is right before my eyes.

I'm thankful for the people who constantly cheer me on despite the fact that what I do are not even above average, but I suppose it's also proper for me to apologize to them because I feel sorry for my loser self who easily gives up and not even believe in herself.

I'm trying to at least be more positive when it comes to crafts or career, but the more people give me affirmation, the more doubtful I become. Sure, most of the time what I only ask for is a sign of positivity -- affirmation -- from people who continually support me, but sometimes my loser self surfaces and dominates my enthusiastic half.

Pitiful creature I am, I know.

Words of Wisdom

This has got to be the most tiring day of the week, ever. It's tiring, but still so much fun! I got to jog around a block for about four or five times at Highstreet just this afternoon with Lunaru~ See, I'm not much of a fan of exercising, in fact, I don't like moving around or running around or stressing myself with strenuous activities, but ever since I started working out to lose weight, I found that running is actually fun despite the fact that your muscles scream for you to stop, or your lungs trying to keep up with your breathing, and your heart tries to keep up with your pacing.

Anyway, this blog is not about how we jogged around the place, but of the very striking moment with her and Quiela as we took a rest from running. Among my friends, I think I'm the only one who still doesn't have a job. I'm a Registered Nurse for a year and three months already, but still no luck with hospitals that I've applied for. I've really considered trying out a position in the call center, but my close friends choose to stop me from doing so. Even my parents were against it. I argue that I need to earn money and help with some of the expenses and save some for future use, but they won't see through simple logic.

Moving on, what struck me the most with what Quiela said was that, "You shouldn't be too pressured about not having a job, or about not working. You must not let others decide for yourself; on what you want to do. If there's something that you really desire, go for it. It doesn't matter if your parents or your friends don't like what you chose; it's for you to decide." Not the exact words, but somehow the gist of her advice. Why did it have to take me so long to realize that what she said was true?

"What matters most is you're happy with what you're doing." She nailed it. It's so fucking true. For some it might sound selfish, but I believe otherwise. We own our lives, we rule our lives; we decide on things which may or may not entirely be for the greater good, or even for our greater good, but these decisions nonetheless  forms us and makes us realize of the mistakes we did or the opportunities on our way.

"It's never too late." I had been uttered those words at twice. Yeah, it's never too late. I'm only 22 and I still have more than five decades to go. I've been contemplating a lot lately on what I what to do, but for some reason, there's something that's hindering me. Right now, I'm guessing it's my parents' wishes. Bah. The thing is, I can't keep secrets from them, they do not entirely support my decisions, and most of the time we argue about what should be and what should not be. It's tiring. I want to explore, try out many things to know what I really want. But they just don't listen, they don't want to, they never will.

Fine, they know better because they've been in this world far longer than I do. But if they don't let me experience the things I want to do, won't that make me suffer in the future? What if I'm stuck on something I can't do for the rest of my life? What if it's already too late for me to take up what I really want? What shall become of me then?

I think I should really start to think about what I really want to do. Four years overdue, but I guess it's never too late.

You Cannot Unsee

Yes, you cannot unsee. LMAO. Sorry, I couldn't help myself. It was because I had the sudden urge to go shoop myself into this lovely being. Haha!

I have ample time to be listen to Gazerock again. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I hate them (surely fans will kill me if I do), it's just that sometimes I get bored, or tired of their music. There's not much variation, compared with D'espairsRay or Plastic Tree. Ah, well, I'm still just starting; I'll prolly eat these words once I get into the flow of Gazerock. XD

Unbelievable.

Somebody please enlighten me: Wat does this insanely PRETTY creature and I have in common?

GOD HELP ME.

Mishaps

Two days ago, there had been another con held at SMX Convention Center. Best of Anime, it was called. I cosplayed again, this time with a new costume that I have sewn myself! I feel so proud even though it's just a simple garb worn by court people in Japan during the Heian era. Well, it was for the character in KHR (because I'm a KHR fan), Asari Ugetsu.


(from here on, it's copy-pasta'd from my dA, because I'm L-A-Z-Y like that.)



It took me two weeks to research and one week to cut and sew. I must have been working too slow because I was just making a kosode, hitoe, sashinuki and kariginu for this particular character. Makes me wonder, actually, how some people manage to sew their utterly complicated costumes in a span of three days to overnight. HHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Albeit there were a lot of mistakes in the costume, it is a fulfilling experience (though most people don't appreciate your work). I mean, the feeling of designing and creating something using your own hands, blood, sweat and tears (despite it being simple, ugh) makes one pursue more of the craft, improve and just have plain fun. It may be taxing, especially to those who love procrastinating (like me), but still... it feels so DAMN GREAT. :>

Thanks for those people who cheered me on. :> I promise I'll do better!

[/end copy-pasta]

In my opinion, the con isn't actually that special. In fact, I didn't see where the "best" was. In a sense, it was disappointing, but at least there were a lot of good cosplays and ozm cosplayers so it wasn't that much of a fail. We're still hoping that better cosplays would be seen on Cosmania two weeks from now. :>

Okay, I guess I'll end it here for now. Will put up pictures of me and my friends' cosplays during the event when I find decent ones, LOL!

First Post!

Decided to finally start up a new blog, haha! I left the old one at Tabulas and LJ, LOL! Seems like I can't really maintain and/or revive one. So I'll just make smth new. Anyway, it's not like people will lurk around my blogsite.