I'm getting there. Slowly, I'm trying to walk more carefully, being more mindful of the road I tread upon.
I'm getting there. Slowly but surely, I'm learning. There are pains and tears as I walk, sometimes, heart heavy of all the negative emotions running throughout the system. But I'm getting there.
I'm getting there. In time, I'll reach the place where you are, hold your hand and stay close. In time, I'll be with you and we'll be together.
I'm getting there. I may have faults that have hurt your heart or unleashed anger and though I become afraid, I believe I have touched you in one way or another.
The different footing by which our views started at may be a hindrance, but someday, they'd reach the same ground and I hope I'm getting there; I hope I'm catching up to you...
Monday, March 25, 2013
To Catch That Dream
I just wanted to ruffle your hair, stroke your face, hold your hand as we walk. But I guess doing those will just be part of a far-off dream, right? I brought it upon myself, and I'm not proud of it.
Someone told me it's okay to be nervous when contemplating on talking to someone whom you know you've done something terrible against; it means the intention of really hoping to work it out is there. But why do I feel like whatever I do, it won't be enough for me to be forgiven, or to have things go back the way they were? And what if... maybe... I'm not giving anything special, instead, just sadness and pain? Do I still deserve the love given to me? Or, shouldn't the question be: will I be good enough to fill up the void? Does a wretched person like me who only thinks of myself deserve someone as good as her?
If I lose her, what then?
...Then again, reality check, aruki. You don't own her.
Someone told me it's okay to be nervous when contemplating on talking to someone whom you know you've done something terrible against; it means the intention of really hoping to work it out is there. But why do I feel like whatever I do, it won't be enough for me to be forgiven, or to have things go back the way they were? And what if... maybe... I'm not giving anything special, instead, just sadness and pain? Do I still deserve the love given to me? Or, shouldn't the question be: will I be good enough to fill up the void? Does a wretched person like me who only thinks of myself deserve someone as good as her?
If I lose her, what then?
...Then again, reality check, aruki. You don't own her.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Never Meant to Be
Maybe i should stop getting close to people. Maybe it should be better if i go back to the way i was, where i'm all alone and things were simple with my thoughts alone, with my stories, with my books, with my papers and pens. Because the closer i get to someone, things become complicated, or i complicate them, and then i hurt her or him without knowing, and when i realize what i did, i hurt myself in the process.
I say i don't want to hurt people, i don't want those people important to me get hurt by something i say or do. I don't enjoy pain either, but it's better if i shoulder it by myself than let them experience it, right?
Ah. Maybe i'm a coward; i don't want to face the conflicts. Maybe i don't know how to fix them. It's either i'm made to experience suffering alone and to shun myself, to keep from asking help from others, or; i'm just too stupid to think of a way to reverse the situation.
"For every laugh, there should be a tear," says Walt Disney. So maybe if i don't try to be happy, there's no way i'll have something to cry about, right?
Maybe, i was never meant to be happy.
I say i don't want to hurt people, i don't want those people important to me get hurt by something i say or do. I don't enjoy pain either, but it's better if i shoulder it by myself than let them experience it, right?
Ah. Maybe i'm a coward; i don't want to face the conflicts. Maybe i don't know how to fix them. It's either i'm made to experience suffering alone and to shun myself, to keep from asking help from others, or; i'm just too stupid to think of a way to reverse the situation.
"For every laugh, there should be a tear," says Walt Disney. So maybe if i don't try to be happy, there's no way i'll have something to cry about, right?
Maybe, i was never meant to be happy.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Love-Hate Relationship
About nine months ago, i'd been confronted by my seniors about my work performance. I admitted my shortcomings, listened to their side, but never had the chance to defend myself or let them hear mine.
They tell me they can't figure out what I'm thinking because I'm too quiet. They don't know whether they'd avoid me or talk to me. I know I lack social skills that will enable me to relate with other people. I don't open up unless I'm entirely close to you, or that I entirely trust you, nor do I ask questions that I feel like too probing or too personal. Most people from where I work at misunderstand this.
I'm okay if you tell me outright you don't like me, or you don't like what I do. I'll sulk the first time I hear it and distance myself more, but I'll try my best to change it. But a greater chance of avoiding everyone will probably my reflex, because it's easier that way.
It just pains me to know that even when you're trying your best to fit in and meet their standards, your efforts are futile and no one appreciates them. Most people say you can't please everyone, but in reality, you just have to bite down the bitterness of it and try to win their affection and affirmation because if you don't, you can expect something unpleasant being told behind your back. That's just how life goes. If you're not one with them, you're the bad guy.
It feels heavy when you show up and you know it's not the real you, but when you try and make yourself believe that that's the real you, eventually, that's the reality you'll believe in.
It can change you entirely, and feed the monster inside you that will one day burst out and ravage everything in its path.
I ask myself what I did wrong that made them act that way towards me, but I'm oblivious about it.
Some people appreciate if you show the real you. But if the real you is not their taste, better brace yourself for the ride to hell.
They tell me they can't figure out what I'm thinking because I'm too quiet. They don't know whether they'd avoid me or talk to me. I know I lack social skills that will enable me to relate with other people. I don't open up unless I'm entirely close to you, or that I entirely trust you, nor do I ask questions that I feel like too probing or too personal. Most people from where I work at misunderstand this.
I'm okay if you tell me outright you don't like me, or you don't like what I do. I'll sulk the first time I hear it and distance myself more, but I'll try my best to change it. But a greater chance of avoiding everyone will probably my reflex, because it's easier that way.
It just pains me to know that even when you're trying your best to fit in and meet their standards, your efforts are futile and no one appreciates them. Most people say you can't please everyone, but in reality, you just have to bite down the bitterness of it and try to win their affection and affirmation because if you don't, you can expect something unpleasant being told behind your back. That's just how life goes. If you're not one with them, you're the bad guy.
It feels heavy when you show up and you know it's not the real you, but when you try and make yourself believe that that's the real you, eventually, that's the reality you'll believe in.
It can change you entirely, and feed the monster inside you that will one day burst out and ravage everything in its path.
I ask myself what I did wrong that made them act that way towards me, but I'm oblivious about it.
Some people appreciate if you show the real you. But if the real you is not their taste, better brace yourself for the ride to hell.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
I'm Not an Idiot After All!
Because I recently contracted cough and colds, the Japanese reference to idiots not having those does not apply to me (not that I'm Japanese in the first place, but yeah, you get the point).
I considered taking sick leave and just let the Head Nurse do the job on his own (because frankly, I can't get anything done when he's around; he talks too much and orders around too much), and since I fear the babies would get sick if I get near them, but went to work all the same. It got worse during the first few days of the month, but eventually dissipated, which I'm thankful for. (It's become terribly difficult to eat and breathe.)
So much for randomness. LOL. I'm better now so I can go rambling all I want, hah!
I considered taking sick leave and just let the Head Nurse do the job on his own (because frankly, I can't get anything done when he's around; he talks too much and orders around too much), and since I fear the babies would get sick if I get near them, but went to work all the same. It got worse during the first few days of the month, but eventually dissipated, which I'm thankful for. (It's become terribly difficult to eat and breathe.)
So much for randomness. LOL. I'm better now so I can go rambling all I want, hah!
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