Fin.

Maybe it's time to give that heart of glass back. I can't man up to what I said before; I can only bring sadness and pain. I probably did change it to a heart of flesh, but in return, it felt more hurt, more suffering.

You deserve so much more, someone better. If I just scare you for whatever I say or do, that's the breaking point, right? It's time for me to give it up. I can't keep you for myself, I know that now.

Adventure

(Late entry, 5 April 2013)


So basically what i had in mind was a little off, and none of them were put into action. I guess it just goes to show that i'm all talk and no guts at all to do whatever i wished to do. I feel guilty having her take me around when she's not feeling very well, but i'm still thankful she went out of her way for me. It's not everyday you get to find someone who'd gladly pick you up from the airport, share stories over light breakfast with you, cab over the place you're staying at and help you with your luggage, spend the day at the amusement park, and end the night with awesome dinner with friends--all despite headache and dizziness and fatigue. Not to mention it was her birthday. I think i wanted to cry then.

I thoroughly enjoyed the day, and while ogling at live fishes and other marine life in the Aquarium (the place i loved to bits), it felt as though i did not want it to end; that i can spend even much longer time with her. Time seemed to stop in that place, indeed. And it was time well-spent; everything was worthwhile.

(Surely, i'd have died of cardiac arrest for all the time my heart banged so hard against my chest, had it not been for the many people swarming the place, and endless number of blank fish eyes all over us.)

I can replay the events that took place during that day, over and over again, inside my head.

The Worse It Gets

1. I'm emo; I over-react.
2. I'm insensitive and inconsiderate.
3. I'm foul-mouthed.
4. I'm insecure.

Just what the hell is wrong with me? I say grand things, but can't even prove them. I claim to be strong but all I'm doing is just putting myself in the dark, and prove to be unworthy of saving. I'd been so accustomed to have a monologue with myself inside my head that I don't even know how to relate with other people anymore, thus leading to conflicts and misunderstandings, some baseless arguments that eventually tire the people around me.

If it weren't for someone to tell me straight out that I'm those listed above, I'd continue doing them that instead of bringing me and her together would most likely drift us apart, with distance surpassing that of physical aspect.

How can I be so selfish? How can I be so self-centered? How can I be so dumb and stupid to realize that the things I dread are actually made by me?

I keep telling myself that if it's her, I don't mind giving up a lot of things, but this train of thought is not as beautiful as one claims it to be: it's intimidating. I've been told to keep doing what I have to do; finish what I started and never rush things. I have my own goals and ambitions and that I should not be blinded by what I choose to believe, or choose to have.

Maybe I do need to keep my distance from now on; to stop hurting her and the people around her; give her space to breathe and move on her own. Because the closer I get, the worse it gets.

Dedication

A friend messaged me last night and asked if I were in Singapore. I told him I am, and was sorry I wasn't able to give a heads up. But he said it was okay and asked how come it's sudden. It was actually planned few months back, and although initially thought of being a surprise, trashed the idea and eventually told the truth. "You flew over just for her?"(not in verbatim, but yeah, that's what he asked) and I said she was half the reason. "What dedication!" He says. That sort of caught me off guard. I didn't know that's how other people view what I did. Some asked what I was going to do here when there's no event, and I said I wanted to go around. How long was I going to stay here, two days and one night. What else are you going to do there, and I said, photoshoot. The latter seemed to be the reason for them to jokingly say,"Oh, aruki must be too bored; flying over just to have a shoot and then fly back." I guess I can be crazy sometimes. But it's fun. And worth it. So now before I grab a bite of my breakfast at the hostel I'm staying at, I'll keep replaying yesterday's event with the highlight on the post-dinner. I had too many feels there, and pretty grateful it was dark out. It was then when I felt content and scared at the same time, awkward and happy. I didn't want to let go if not for the people staring. Geez. (Not making too much sense this time of the morning; lack of sleep and too much feels.) Okay, grabbing sandwich now.