Pondered a little

It's a common sense to actually appreciate something (or someone) due to its aesthetically pleasing qualities seen by the naked eye. For some, it could be a well-made jewelry, a beautifully coutured gown, a handmade card, a colorful painting, or even a delicate figure of a ballet dancer. But for others, it goes deeper than that; they focus on something that is discreet, partially hidden from the threat of external force, trauma, destruction.

Sometimes, I could not help but wonder how shallow people have become. I'm sure that not only I am guilty of this, but we often judge people simply by their external appearance--how well they are dressed, how pretty their faces are, how elegant they look with their accessories. But isn't a person worth something more than those?

Yesterday, I went to a small-scale job fair so I dressed up like what a normal female would on an occasion such as that: yellow turtleneck, beige blazer, black pencil-cut skirt, skin-tone stockings and 4-inch wedged shoes. As I am not comfortable hooking a bag on my shoulder, I made use of a leather backpack that seemed to go with my attire. This, er, clothes totally deviates from my usual attire of plain tees and pants and rubber shoes with a hardcore knapsack to boot, so I was not entirely comfortable. But I tried to at least look like the part that I'm presentable enough and all business-like.

After looking around and leaving my resume, I decided to leave as there was nothing else to do. So I walked and walked and walked despite my feet screaming in agony, cursing me for dragging them along the hard concrete 'til I finally found a seat to relax my aching muscles. But as I was wandering around, I noticed people staring at me as I passed by them. I usually walk while staring at the ground because it was not like me to attract any attention. I don't really want that. As much as possible, I'd like to stay incognito, but alas, that day, I wasn't so... lucky.

My point here is that, well, if I went there and walked past them donning my usual clothes, they won't spare me a second glance because I simply wasn't that attractive and I'm basically not worth a second look. But after wearing those clothes and walking really slow, they notice what was once just seemed to be like a figment of their imagination. I even heard a low, "Hey there" as I tried to whiz my way out of the crowd. It kind of disappoints me to realize that unless you're looking utterly pretty, or at least, stand out in the midst of a normal crowd, nobody would even notice you. It makes me feel that there's a demand in this fast-paced world that you have to act like what most popular people do, or dress up like famous people would to be able to gain attention, or at least be rewarded a second-look (not that I'm asking for it, but meh)....

I wrote a blog on a tissue.

Which is relevant. Hah.

Lately, I've been wanting to keep myself busy to stop me from overthinking things, too much reflecting on a few stuffs that need not actually be contemplated at all. But, alas, there's this Force so great, it hinders me to actually accomplish my tasks. It's known by most people as Procrastination. Sigh. But I've been trying so hard to at least divert my attention on something more productive, like surfing the net to look for a job.

Which brings me to my entry. I found that a Nursing conference and job fair is to be held Feb 18 (today) - Feb 19 and I thought, this is it. So I prepared all the requirements, asked my friends what's a job fair like, and just went to the venue, light shining down upon me, making me all optimistic and giddy. But it didn't last long, that feeling. It was immediately spoiled by two utter disappointments.

I've finally laid my eyes on an utterly insecure woman. Insecure woman wasn't somebody I knew personally, but trusting my gut feel, she's somebody whom I'll never be amused, let alone be fond of. As I was waiting for a ride to the mall where the conference was held, I spied on this couple under the waiting shed. From afar, nothing special struck me, nor something interesting even wormed its way towards me. They were plain, typical, normal, so I minded my own business and just continued waiting for a ride. Long story short, they were sitting across me and one other passenger while the woman was apparently too busy displaying affection to her boyfriend. Being the slightly conservative person that I am, her actions irked me, sending me to wrinkle my nose in disgust and just look away in embarrassment. It was not amusing at all, for I cannot see the point of letting us watch her boyfriend was wiping sweat off her back. Sure, if it was their car, or if we were all friends, or that there wasn't a slightly-conservative-person on board, then it's okay. But still, doing that in public? Even though they're not doing anything to harm me, I still think it's not appropriate. Another thing which irritates me was her sideway glances at me; it's as if I was a threat or something. I tried to ignore it by chanting in my head to just "look away", "don't look at them", "leave them be and let them make a fool of themselves", or even think of something to make myself sit comfortably for the remainder of the trip, but it was futile. The woman was apparently an attention-whore. That, or she's something else, I thought. Then it struck me--she must be insecure. Why would she do that, and lie on her boyfriend's lap like some three-year-old in the first place? I'm not here to brag or anything, but she started acting immaturely, speaking like a toddler, being all snuggly while continuing to look in my direction. Yes, I can see that through my peripheral vision, thank you.  I went "WTF" in my head while smirking evidently. I'm not even the most beautiful woman in the world; hell, calling myself beautiful will even be an insult to a unicorn, I simply do not see why she have to be insecure to a creature like me.

BRB, DYING. Hah. People like that really do exist, huh? It was not my intention to initially deduce that she might be insecure and/or threatened with my presence in front of her boyfriend. LMAO. I actually thought that she might be from somewhere else or she's a goddamn spoiled brat, or she's just fucking immature in reality, in all actuality, in all truth. BUT! If she acting her age (or at least, like an adult that she apparently is), she won't go do something outrageous only to keep her bf's eyes on her, making themselves look pathetically idiotic. FUCK YEA.

Hurr. Moving on, my second disappointment: The job fair. Honestly, I thought it was something bigger, like the ones I see on TV, where there are several people roaming here and there, leaving their resume's on several booths, but the one I attended wasn't like that. I registered and went inside, only to find out that the ones in there are actually booths of review centers and recruiting agencies. What was more, there were only seven of them! The scene almost made me facepalm myself. But I still left my resume at the registration area, hoping that I'll at least get a call. In truth though, it was fairly nice to be surrounded by anything related to your profession.. but with that positive comes a shadow of its opposite: I felt that it was intimidating, too. For some reason, knowing that I have graduated almost two years ago, had only three months experience in the hospital, makes me feel so little, in contrast to those who have only recently graduated and immediately landed a job or have taken the other exams for working abroad; accomplished so much in so little time. I can't help but wonder if I had been giving enough effort to have at least a little progress in my life; am I really walking towards my dream, or have I gone stuck on another step just when I had taken the first one? Am I really cut to this world or I belong somewhere else? Ugh. All these uncertainties makes me feel more depressed.

Been giving it a lot of thought lately, and the picture isn't so pretty. And it's not even my kind of thing to be preoccupied with. Argh!

Anyway, those are the only stuff I'm gonna share for now. Just feeling a bit glad to let it out of my chest somehow, even though nobody actually reads this blog, LOL.

What Are You Like?

I was browsing for some facts about coffee and stumbled upon this:

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, “Tell me, what you see?”

“Carrots, eggs, and coffee,” she replied. Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots.

She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it.

After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, “What does it mean, mother?”

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity … boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.

The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

“Which are you?” she asked her daughter. “When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond?

Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?”

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength? Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?